What an amazing scripture John 1:12 is.
"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God."
If that got any clearer, it would rival Base 10 in simplicity. I love this verse.
Believe + Recieve = Become
Thanks, Lord.
Aug 11, 2005
Jul 29, 2005
Blind... (by DEFAULT)
Back then, when we were friends
To the end, you promised we'd always be
Now it seems you've got a different dream
Thanks for including me
You spell WE so differently
To the end, you promised we'd always be
Now it seems you've got a different dream
Thanks for including me
You spell WE so differently
Jun 4, 2005
Anything Right -- P.O.D.
Father, I feel so stymied. Isn't it odd that it would take someone else's announcing their failings (thereby giving my soul a jerk) to get me what I've been so earnestly seeking: this stronger connection with You. I'm beginning to understand what Paul meant when he said that we rejoice in hard times! They make me hurt, even when they're other people's hard times, but I seek You out with all my heart and You recieve me back again so very gently and lovingly.
What right have I to be hurt because someone else messed up? None. Absolutely none. Why am I so swayed by it then? Because I love my friends, all of them, and it hurts me to see them messed over - even by themselves. I hurt inside even when I see or hear about complete strangers that aren't living Your way. It seems to hurt people so much when they do that. I can't relate to most of the sin, but I hurt inside even just because I know that it hurts You deeply; and these folk treat it so cavalierly. You say it's like they're putting You up on the Cross again, nailing You down, beating You. That makes me feel like crying; it's one of the main reasons I try so hard not to "grieve the Holy Spirit". I'm not trying to be the world's policeman or a self-righteous jerk - I'm not saying I'm any better. It just hurts me inside and I end up crying and begging You to forgive them and me and everyone else involved and to please guide us. Oi, Lord, please help.
What right have I to be hurt because someone else messed up? None. Absolutely none. Why am I so swayed by it then? Because I love my friends, all of them, and it hurts me to see them messed over - even by themselves. I hurt inside even when I see or hear about complete strangers that aren't living Your way. It seems to hurt people so much when they do that. I can't relate to most of the sin, but I hurt inside even just because I know that it hurts You deeply; and these folk treat it so cavalierly. You say it's like they're putting You up on the Cross again, nailing You down, beating You. That makes me feel like crying; it's one of the main reasons I try so hard not to "grieve the Holy Spirit". I'm not trying to be the world's policeman or a self-righteous jerk - I'm not saying I'm any better. It just hurts me inside and I end up crying and begging You to forgive them and me and everyone else involved and to please guide us. Oi, Lord, please help.
Oi
You know the thing I hate most about extra-marital sex? It destroys lives.
Joe, you were stupid. You're not yet twenty years old, you work a couple of minimum wage jobs, there's no way you can support a family. Above and beyond all that, you'd consecrated your body to God and sworn off till marriage. When I first read your post, I wanted to cry. You've hurt yourself, you've hurt another person - and those are bad enough - but above and beyond that, you've hurt God. I still want to cry for you, because you're destroying your life; both the one here and the one that is coming.
It's not like the whole thing was a momentary loss of control; you planned it all out. Your main regrets are that condoms are so expensive and that you've (temporarily, in your mind) messed up a good friendship. That's foolish, Joe. And, if the condom messed up and you end up with a baby on the way, what will you do? You believe abortion is murder, so you'll have the girl keep your baby. You'll probably get married. You'll end up just like my brothers and my sister - your life ruined, stuck in a minimum wage job that doesn't support your family, possibly stuck with an annoying one-week-stand that's stretched out "till death do you part", mimicking the very thing you despise: your parent's idea of family planning, ticked off at life and struggling through it, all because of one stupid decision.
Oi, my foolish, foolish friend. God forgive you.
Joe, you were stupid. You're not yet twenty years old, you work a couple of minimum wage jobs, there's no way you can support a family. Above and beyond all that, you'd consecrated your body to God and sworn off till marriage. When I first read your post, I wanted to cry. You've hurt yourself, you've hurt another person - and those are bad enough - but above and beyond that, you've hurt God. I still want to cry for you, because you're destroying your life; both the one here and the one that is coming.
It's not like the whole thing was a momentary loss of control; you planned it all out. Your main regrets are that condoms are so expensive and that you've (temporarily, in your mind) messed up a good friendship. That's foolish, Joe. And, if the condom messed up and you end up with a baby on the way, what will you do? You believe abortion is murder, so you'll have the girl keep your baby. You'll probably get married. You'll end up just like my brothers and my sister - your life ruined, stuck in a minimum wage job that doesn't support your family, possibly stuck with an annoying one-week-stand that's stretched out "till death do you part", mimicking the very thing you despise: your parent's idea of family planning, ticked off at life and struggling through it, all because of one stupid decision.
Oi, my foolish, foolish friend. God forgive you.
May 28, 2005
Ouch...
Gar, I've got to admit that I'm rather disappointed with you right now.
Did I ever do anything to make you look down on me? When we were talking every day and you were leaning on me, I was someone to respect. I was special to you; in fact, you said many times that I was everything to you. Sure, that wasn't healthy and we've grown out of it ... but does that give you any call to treat me as an inferior?
All this "during your youth" & Co. has really hurt me. Why does it never occur to you that I am the same age - and even slightly older - now as when you were telling me I was the only person who could ever understand you? Gareth, I can stand most things; and this you know. One thing I don't stand up well under is people I view as my dear friends treating me as an inferior.
Gareth, you're intelligent - I give you full marks for that - but we're on at least equal footing when it comes to scholastic achievements. At this rate, even if you go back to the same course and just work to finish it, I will graduate at the same time as you. You work ... well, no, I guess you don't, do you? You go over to the Ukraine (on funds provided you by others) to try to convince Jews - who, by your own description, are happy where they are - to move to Israel. Why? Because you're misapplying Old Testament prophecies which apply to the Babylonian captivity (and a couple others) to say that all Abraham's decendants should be in the Promised Land. Don't you READ the New Testament? You might as well pack up and go to Israel yourself, Gar; the verses you recite to people are as valid (?invalid?) for you as they are for anyone else.
Enough. I don't like this bitterness in myself. I'm upset because you wounded my pride; no, deeper then that. I'm upset because I feel like I've gone from being the most precious thing in the world to being the butt end of a bad joke. I hate that feeling. I don't like this superior attitude you've suddenly adopted. I recieve respect from the people around me. Should I want to point to concrete reasons, there are several by which I ought to command a measure of respect from you. The biggest of those is simple: I am (or at least was) your friend.
Did I ever do anything to make you look down on me? When we were talking every day and you were leaning on me, I was someone to respect. I was special to you; in fact, you said many times that I was everything to you. Sure, that wasn't healthy and we've grown out of it ... but does that give you any call to treat me as an inferior?
All this "during your youth" & Co. has really hurt me. Why does it never occur to you that I am the same age - and even slightly older - now as when you were telling me I was the only person who could ever understand you? Gareth, I can stand most things; and this you know. One thing I don't stand up well under is people I view as my dear friends treating me as an inferior.
Gareth, you're intelligent - I give you full marks for that - but we're on at least equal footing when it comes to scholastic achievements. At this rate, even if you go back to the same course and just work to finish it, I will graduate at the same time as you. You work ... well, no, I guess you don't, do you? You go over to the Ukraine (on funds provided you by others) to try to convince Jews - who, by your own description, are happy where they are - to move to Israel. Why? Because you're misapplying Old Testament prophecies which apply to the Babylonian captivity (and a couple others) to say that all Abraham's decendants should be in the Promised Land. Don't you READ the New Testament? You might as well pack up and go to Israel yourself, Gar; the verses you recite to people are as valid (?invalid?) for you as they are for anyone else.
Enough. I don't like this bitterness in myself. I'm upset because you wounded my pride; no, deeper then that. I'm upset because I feel like I've gone from being the most precious thing in the world to being the butt end of a bad joke. I hate that feeling. I don't like this superior attitude you've suddenly adopted. I recieve respect from the people around me. Should I want to point to concrete reasons, there are several by which I ought to command a measure of respect from you. The biggest of those is simple: I am (or at least was) your friend.
May 11, 2005
Hmm...
You know, once I get a life and actually have something to write about, I will have too many blogs. I should probably start thinking about what to do then.
May 9, 2005
*long sigh*
I'm thinking about taking a blue-collar job (Publix or something in that genre) as opposed to doing more transcription. The money would be considerably less there, but I am spending too much time on this comp. I'm really getting tired of it. Working at something like Publix would be a first for me in terms of a job where I don't need to wear office clothes and heels. I don't know how much I'm looking forward to it, but I should probably do this just for the experience. I've never worked a job like that before; never worked a cashier that wasn't at a conference, never been in any job that didn't command respect from all present, it's been a while since I wasn't the one in charge of everyone but the folks signing the checks or at least on the level of everyone else on my team. It will be strange to be treated like "everyone else" by my co-workers.
I guess that's what I always hated about the idea of working a blue-collar job: the sheer normalcy of it. All college students - and even high school kids - work these silly jobs over the summer. I didn't want to be like them. I suppose I viewed it as beneath my skill level; stupid and immature as that sounds. I ought to do this, even just because it is normal. If I started early enough, I'd still have time to do some white-collar work on the side & make good money. It would most likely do me good.
Besides, blue's always been one of my favorite colors.
I guess that's what I always hated about the idea of working a blue-collar job: the sheer normalcy of it. All college students - and even high school kids - work these silly jobs over the summer. I didn't want to be like them. I suppose I viewed it as beneath my skill level; stupid and immature as that sounds. I ought to do this, even just because it is normal. If I started early enough, I'd still have time to do some white-collar work on the side & make good money. It would most likely do me good.
Besides, blue's always been one of my favorite colors.
May 6, 2005
NOTE: "guys" = "not mature enough to be 'men'"
Guys can be really annoying. Especially when they're trying to be cool. Is it possible to go outside anymore without being whistled, clicked, smooched, or yelled at?? I really don't mind polite attention, nor does anyone I know, but this junk makes me feel like a horse at auction.
Apr 27, 2005
How Great Thou Art
Today I'm somewhat upset with Gar. I've never been that before. Really, I shouldn't be now, he's not done anything intentionally, but I am being pathetic and childish inside even if I'm not showing it.
I'm so easy to hurt that it's pathetic. No, that's an exaggeration. Saying that I'm a very easy mark for those that I love is much more accurate. Why? Simply because I don't expect to need a shield around the people I trust. I'm an easy mark because I wear no armor. I refuse to - why should I need it? I suppose that - in some ways - I trust people too much; but then, I only trust a select few. I'm barely learning to be open with others. This dichotamy within me seems to go on ad infinitum. I'm tired of it, but this is who I am.
I used to like it when Gareth was protective, even paternal at times, toward me. Then he informed me that he didn't want "us" anymore. The problem is, Gar has always been really good at sending confusing signals. He's too nice for his own good. He tells me that he wants to be "just friends"; but tells me to keep the medal that (he said when he gave it to me) symbolized that he'd always be my best friend, that he'd put everything into our friendship, and that he'd always be there. He tells me to keep the locket. He tells me to keep everything. I wish that if he was going to hurt me, he'd do it in a mean way that would let me justify the pain I'm feeling inside. He's too kind to do that, but now I feel rather guilty about being pained/angry that he's left me. I know better. Crud, I've been dreaming about this man since I was four years old. I've always loved him in my dreams, even before I met him. That's why I asked Sue, "What's his name again?" I knew that I knew him. I couldn't take my eyes off him, I knew I'd seen him, somewhere. I knew that he meant something to me.
The thing is, in my dreams, he's always left. I've always been left searching for him. In one of my most common dreams he's the only one that I can trust. I wander through this huge building, avoiding everyone else, trying to find a way of contacting the one safe spot in my world. I hated that dream, but at the same time I loved it because in the beginning I was special, I was safe, I was loved.
In real life, I have done nothing I regret. I kept God in control. I gave my friend and his life up to God. I don't know what's going on, but God does. I've been in places that hurt like this before and God has always used them for good. I can trust Him to do the same again.
Lord, take from me whatever needs to go. Leave only what You want inside. I trust You. One thing, Lord...please take care of the people I love. Don't let them get hurt. They mean everything to me. Thanks, Father.
I'm so easy to hurt that it's pathetic. No, that's an exaggeration. Saying that I'm a very easy mark for those that I love is much more accurate. Why? Simply because I don't expect to need a shield around the people I trust. I'm an easy mark because I wear no armor. I refuse to - why should I need it? I suppose that - in some ways - I trust people too much; but then, I only trust a select few. I'm barely learning to be open with others. This dichotamy within me seems to go on ad infinitum. I'm tired of it, but this is who I am.
I used to like it when Gareth was protective, even paternal at times, toward me. Then he informed me that he didn't want "us" anymore. The problem is, Gar has always been really good at sending confusing signals. He's too nice for his own good. He tells me that he wants to be "just friends"; but tells me to keep the medal that (he said when he gave it to me) symbolized that he'd always be my best friend, that he'd put everything into our friendship, and that he'd always be there. He tells me to keep the locket. He tells me to keep everything. I wish that if he was going to hurt me, he'd do it in a mean way that would let me justify the pain I'm feeling inside. He's too kind to do that, but now I feel rather guilty about being pained/angry that he's left me. I know better. Crud, I've been dreaming about this man since I was four years old. I've always loved him in my dreams, even before I met him. That's why I asked Sue, "What's his name again?" I knew that I knew him. I couldn't take my eyes off him, I knew I'd seen him, somewhere. I knew that he meant something to me.
The thing is, in my dreams, he's always left. I've always been left searching for him. In one of my most common dreams he's the only one that I can trust. I wander through this huge building, avoiding everyone else, trying to find a way of contacting the one safe spot in my world. I hated that dream, but at the same time I loved it because in the beginning I was special, I was safe, I was loved.
In real life, I have done nothing I regret. I kept God in control. I gave my friend and his life up to God. I don't know what's going on, but God does. I've been in places that hurt like this before and God has always used them for good. I can trust Him to do the same again.
Lord, take from me whatever needs to go. Leave only what You want inside. I trust You. One thing, Lord...please take care of the people I love. Don't let them get hurt. They mean everything to me. Thanks, Father.
Apr 26, 2005
Crash -- 12 Stones
As I find truth where I found it times before
As I search for your hope, I'm finding so much more
And I try to be more like You
So I deny myself to prove my heart is true.
And I feel like I'm falling
Further every day
But I know that You're there
Watching over me
And I feel like I'm drowning
The waves crashing over me
But I know that Your love
It will set me free
Apr 22, 2005
Bitter -- 12 STONES
Before I face another day
Won't you let me stay asleep,
Lost among the dreams that always comfort me
And before I find my feet
Won't you show me what I need
What I need to walk again
This bitter pill is pushing me away
And now I feel like there's nothing left to say
And I pretend to look the other way
But in the end will I be okay?
Will I be okay?
I don't know why I'm listening to this song right now, but I like it pretty well (at least thismorning!) and so the playlist that's blaring from my speakers today includes it.
On to a completely different topic: I know the people who attacked me, my friends, and my God are hurting; but somehow I've been wondering inside exactly why they hate so much. I've also wondered why they couldn't have come across someone more saintly then little me - who felt like tearing their heads off when they started attempting to hurt the ones I love. I was even stuck weighing out whether or not it would damage my witness too terribly to rip into them and tell them that they are poorly educated, cannot spell, and couldn't find a logical argument if they searched with both hands and the yardsticks they've got stuck up their backsides; citing examples from their own correspondence and journals.
I can't do that. The very fact that I wanted to showed me how much I've been relying on me to take care of problems. I wanted to protect my friends and keep them from getting hurt when THAT IS NOT MY JOB! My job is to protect them insofar as I can, naturally, but it's not to make their lives perfect. Trials strengthen faith and God has the whole situation well in hand. I need to remember that and follow His advice.
I wish so badly that these folks would stick to talking rationally and not be so devoted to baseless taunts. We might have got somewhere then! All they wanted to do is attack the nearest Christian; that happened to be me. After their rants had little to no affect beyond turning us into evangelism mode, they ran. I don't mind debates, in fact I rather enjoy them, but I despise dirty fighting. I can't understand the logic and motivation behind these people. They want everyone to tolerate, accept and even revere them for their beliefs (although they are the minority) and then, at the same time, they want everyone holding different beliefs to be verbally assaulted or even physically shot.
This annoys me. I wish I could come across clearly to them and make them understand that all I want is to talk with them. They don't want to be proven wrong (concerning both their preassumptions about me and about my faith) and so they won't even get into an elementary discussion. I want to say that people like this aren't worth my time; but something inside reminds me that if they're worth God's very life they're surely worth a little of time and frustration on my part. He died for them as much as He did for me. If He hadn't rescued me I'd probably be in the same place as them.
Lord, help.
Apr 20, 2005
good day
God, You've got to help me out. I'm getting too proud o'here. It's a good thing that people being mad at me doesn't bother me much anymore, but I prefer being crushed under it to looking down my nose at the person who is insulting me. I keep on getting hit with the "facts" that I'm better educated/can spell/don't resort to insults/am right and although I keep all this hidden (especially when it comes to Shelly), I feel the difference inside me. This isn't how You want me behaving! Every time I realize I've done it I get this dirty feeling inside my heart and I feel like I've swallowed something distasteful. Lord - free me from this. I've tried and I can't.
I was able to get together with some dear ladies at the church last night and they prayed with/for me against something that has been attacking like crazy: depression. Sometimes I get so tired of fighting this old foe off; but I remember what it was like to have "him" around every day and the constant watchfulness required to plead the protection I have under Christ against him is more then worth it. I had reached the point where I was knuckling under, but God worked it out so that I could get prayer and the result is that I feel free today - I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Also, God placed a couple of words on Dottie's heart for me and those were very uplifting. It's such a comfort to me to know that not only will God pull me up into His lap and cuddle me when I need it, He'll put it on people's hearts to come over and pray for me when I feel too tired to lift it up anymore. Thanks, Lord.
I'm happy today. Not everything has been perfect, but then I'm not perfect either and I probably shouldn't expect my life to have nothing wrong with it 24/7/365! I've a little left to get done this evening, but it's of the sort that will be simple, if long, work and I'm looking forward to it.
I was able to get together with some dear ladies at the church last night and they prayed with/for me against something that has been attacking like crazy: depression. Sometimes I get so tired of fighting this old foe off; but I remember what it was like to have "him" around every day and the constant watchfulness required to plead the protection I have under Christ against him is more then worth it. I had reached the point where I was knuckling under, but God worked it out so that I could get prayer and the result is that I feel free today - I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Also, God placed a couple of words on Dottie's heart for me and those were very uplifting. It's such a comfort to me to know that not only will God pull me up into His lap and cuddle me when I need it, He'll put it on people's hearts to come over and pray for me when I feel too tired to lift it up anymore. Thanks, Lord.
I'm happy today. Not everything has been perfect, but then I'm not perfect either and I probably shouldn't expect my life to have nothing wrong with it 24/7/365! I've a little left to get done this evening, but it's of the sort that will be simple, if long, work and I'm looking forward to it.
The reasons I read classics...
"Memory is not what the heart desires."
A sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. Who wants only memories - even happy ones? A happy memory can give a great lift to sorrow; but all too often this short pull to "higher heights" ends in a free fall when the happy thought brings to mind the reason memory is no longer reality. Far better, in my mind, to have things for real.
But what is life without memories?
A sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. Who wants only memories - even happy ones? A happy memory can give a great lift to sorrow; but all too often this short pull to "higher heights" ends in a free fall when the happy thought brings to mind the reason memory is no longer reality. Far better, in my mind, to have things for real.
But what is life without memories?
Apr 13, 2005
She hit the nail on the head, you know...
"All true histories contain instruction; though, in some, the treasure may be hard to find, and when found, so trivial in quantity, that the dry, shrivelled kernel scarcely compensates for the trouble of cracking the nut. Whether this be the case with my history or not, I am hardly competent to judge. I sometimes think it might prove useful to some, and entertaining to others; but the world may judge for itself. Shielded by my own obscurity ... I do not fear to venture; and will candidly lay before the public what I would not disclose to the most intimate friend."
This adequately states my case.
Apr 10, 2005
smiling heart
I love my family. God has blessed me with such an incredible family that I am daily amazed by it. Right now I'm overflowing with that.
Yesterday was rough, but God brought me through it and then brought my family home to love on me, cuddle me, give me attention, and just be my family. I loved that.
It is amazing to me that, despite my constant fluctuations of emotion, God gives me a constant core of peace. Even if I feel lonely, afraid, or just low, God has put something inside me that keeps me level-headed and peaceful deep inside. He's gotten me to the point where I can fall on my knees, doing what I call "soul screaming", and still know that God is in control and that He's got it covered. That is a blessing to me, because my personality style is very emotional.
The I that dominates my personality style gives me the talkative, bouncy, huggable, and charismatic elements that make up "me"; but it also bequeaths a wealth of easily stirred up emotions. Thank God for the S and C that balance out my style at home and among loved ones, giving me my love of order and stability, the loyalty I try so hard to fulfil with my friends, the value I place on relationships, and the rationale that helps me out of fixes many times a day.
True, I'm also stubborn, periodically an emotional nutcase (typically on the inside, not the outside), lazy from time to time, sometimes freaked out by minor things, and both shy and extroverted by turns - but God's still working on me!
Thank God for my friends and for my family; their love and support has helped to keep me afloat even through the hardest times. Every time I think of the people I love, I get this warm glow all around my heart. I am so blessed to have all these wonderful people in my life; loving me despite my failings. God bless them all.
Yesterday was rough, but God brought me through it and then brought my family home to love on me, cuddle me, give me attention, and just be my family. I loved that.
It is amazing to me that, despite my constant fluctuations of emotion, God gives me a constant core of peace. Even if I feel lonely, afraid, or just low, God has put something inside me that keeps me level-headed and peaceful deep inside. He's gotten me to the point where I can fall on my knees, doing what I call "soul screaming", and still know that God is in control and that He's got it covered. That is a blessing to me, because my personality style is very emotional.
The I that dominates my personality style gives me the talkative, bouncy, huggable, and charismatic elements that make up "me"; but it also bequeaths a wealth of easily stirred up emotions. Thank God for the S and C that balance out my style at home and among loved ones, giving me my love of order and stability, the loyalty I try so hard to fulfil with my friends, the value I place on relationships, and the rationale that helps me out of fixes many times a day.
True, I'm also stubborn, periodically an emotional nutcase (typically on the inside, not the outside), lazy from time to time, sometimes freaked out by minor things, and both shy and extroverted by turns - but God's still working on me!
Thank God for my friends and for my family; their love and support has helped to keep me afloat even through the hardest times. Every time I think of the people I love, I get this warm glow all around my heart. I am so blessed to have all these wonderful people in my life; loving me despite my failings. God bless them all.
Apr 8, 2005
Thanks, Father
Daily grace for daily pain
Over and over, again and again
You fill me up when I ask You to
Change out the old, replace it with new
Love and peace, hope and faith
I feel each one as it takes its place
I stand back in awe, I cry and applaud
Thus do I thank You, my Savior-God
Over and over, again and again
You fill me up when I ask You to
Change out the old, replace it with new
Love and peace, hope and faith
I feel each one as it takes its place
I stand back in awe, I cry and applaud
Thus do I thank You, my Savior-God
sibling rivalry
Sometimes, I wish we didn't even know her. No, I'm being far too strong there, let me rephrase. Sometimes, I get tired of having to stand beside the swimming pool that is Michelle, holding a one cup measuring cup full of the kindnesses that take the place of water, pouring in and pouring in and never getting anything back. At times, I feel like I've got the whole Grand Canyon to fill up before I'll ever get even a "thank you" in return. It's hard.
Right now, she's throwing a tantrum with Mom and Dad because they've made her put Bradley to bed at his bedtime instead of letting him stay up till 11 with us. She was literally screaming at them and telling them what awful people they were and how they're trying to control every aspect of her life. Lord, I know this is a spiritual attack and I thank You for helping it to cool down once we started praying against it; but can't I be a little ticked off with her? No. That's the last thing she needs. Crud, Lord, I can't forgive her without Your help. Please help me here.
Why do we have to deal with these outbursts? And why does she have to take everything personally?
Last night, her son (who is very happy and easygoing when she's gone, but knows she'll let him get away with anything he wants and therefore throws tantrums more often then any child I've ever met when she's home) was playing with a LEGO shark. Because he knew she was home, he started screaming when it wouldn't do what he wanted it to. The misfortune in this was that he began his tantrum in the same room that Jon was reading in. I walked in and asked Jon what had happened. Bradley had, by that time, run from the room. Jon was had started telling me when Michelle yelled for Jon to stop bothering Bradley. (she had not gotten up from the kitchen table or seen anything that happened)
I answered that Jon had not bothered Brad, that he was just reading.
Michelle didn't listen.
The whole thing ended when she came in, got in Jon's face (a little less then 1 foot away) and began yelling at him. I literally stepped inbetween the two of them and ended it by saying something to the effect of "Jon didn't do anything." (a bit more conciliatory then that)
Michelle hasn't physically pushed me around since I was 4 and she slapped me (my earliest, and only, childhood memory of her), so I wasn't expecting any non-verbal lacerations. She left the room and started talking with Ethan, trying to get him to agree with her that I stick my nose in everything and am a...well...nevermind. Ethan did the right thing and kept his mouth shut. I am proud of him for that.
I will not let her bully my baby brothers. She can put me down all she likes, I'm usually able to brush most of it off because it's just the way she treats people, but Jon and Chris get deeply hurt by that kind of thing. I can't stand by and let that happen; and I won't.
Lord, I can't figure out how to love her. It's like trying to kiss a great white - I can't even get close before I'm being ripped apart. It hurts. I try so hard and then she throws a monkey wrench in the gears, effectively cutting off anything I was trying. I end up trying to figure out the way that will get her the least mad at me.
Well, I guess I did pray for my patience to be worked on, didn't I?
Help us to love her Your way.
Right now, she's throwing a tantrum with Mom and Dad because they've made her put Bradley to bed at his bedtime instead of letting him stay up till 11 with us. She was literally screaming at them and telling them what awful people they were and how they're trying to control every aspect of her life. Lord, I know this is a spiritual attack and I thank You for helping it to cool down once we started praying against it; but can't I be a little ticked off with her? No. That's the last thing she needs. Crud, Lord, I can't forgive her without Your help. Please help me here.
Why do we have to deal with these outbursts? And why does she have to take everything personally?
Last night, her son (who is very happy and easygoing when she's gone, but knows she'll let him get away with anything he wants and therefore throws tantrums more often then any child I've ever met when she's home) was playing with a LEGO shark. Because he knew she was home, he started screaming when it wouldn't do what he wanted it to. The misfortune in this was that he began his tantrum in the same room that Jon was reading in. I walked in and asked Jon what had happened. Bradley had, by that time, run from the room. Jon was had started telling me when Michelle yelled for Jon to stop bothering Bradley. (she had not gotten up from the kitchen table or seen anything that happened)
I answered that Jon had not bothered Brad, that he was just reading.
Michelle didn't listen.
The whole thing ended when she came in, got in Jon's face (a little less then 1 foot away) and began yelling at him. I literally stepped inbetween the two of them and ended it by saying something to the effect of "Jon didn't do anything." (a bit more conciliatory then that)
Michelle hasn't physically pushed me around since I was 4 and she slapped me (my earliest, and only, childhood memory of her), so I wasn't expecting any non-verbal lacerations. She left the room and started talking with Ethan, trying to get him to agree with her that I stick my nose in everything and am a...well...nevermind. Ethan did the right thing and kept his mouth shut. I am proud of him for that.
I will not let her bully my baby brothers. She can put me down all she likes, I'm usually able to brush most of it off because it's just the way she treats people, but Jon and Chris get deeply hurt by that kind of thing. I can't stand by and let that happen; and I won't.
Lord, I can't figure out how to love her. It's like trying to kiss a great white - I can't even get close before I'm being ripped apart. It hurts. I try so hard and then she throws a monkey wrench in the gears, effectively cutting off anything I was trying. I end up trying to figure out the way that will get her the least mad at me.
Well, I guess I did pray for my patience to be worked on, didn't I?
Help us to love her Your way.
writing my heart on paper
Branded by the fire, stand before You now
I fear You will reject me, kneeling low
Lightning, thunder, great outcry screams below
Who comes to claim me; the cause of this row
Needing Your defense, can You this allow
Watch my life flowing out, feeling nothing so
I ask who can stay this, rise sure but slow
Call out; claim Your life and blood; cry aloud
You die for me, will I accept Your gift
Am I Your child or is there still a break
Between Your holiness and my disgrace
I will trust You now as You close the rift
Look down from above; blood-water forms lakes
This is Your love song; tears run down my face
Apr 7, 2005
Hey, Lord?
I want to go deeper
But I don't know how to swim
I want to be meeker
Be a help to the strong
I want to run faster
But this old leg won't carry me
I want to be, I want to be
And maybe I could run
Maybe I could fly to You
Do You feel the same
When all I see is blame in me?
And the wonder of it all
Is that I'm living just to fall
More in love with You
Dreaming
I'm sorry for needing you to carry me
So simple, sometimes, when you're standing next to me
You never change
You never stay the same
Like a picture-perfect sunrise, every time
With one last song to sing
Take it all away from me and
Tell me how you want this to be
I want you
I need you
-----------------------
"The dreams you've had sound really interesting!"
Yeah, incredibly interesting. I love being shot, raped, tortured, chased, threatened, or abandoned. I love seeing this over, and over, and over, and over again in my wonderful repetitive dreams. I love having to remember to pray, every single night, that God will protect me from those so that I will not have them. I love forgetting to pray and having to deal with dreams that sap my strength and make me wake up and bite into my beanbag because I am only half-awake and so freaked out that confuse it with my attackers. I love dreaming and seeing you, hugging you, talking with you, and then waking up and realizing it was just that - a dream. It's just peachy.
I've told you about some of my dreams, but others I kept from you. You always did the same for me. We were each protecting the other from our own personal nightmares. Did you know that in one dream I have been having my entire life, I'm just looking for you? I meet you, we talk for a while and hug, then you leave. I spend the rest of the dream running through corridors and being alone in such a huge crowd of people. I hate the aloneness, the abandonment, that I have always felt in that dream.
Interesting? No, not really.
Dang it, Gar, will you quit not knowing what to do? Please?! I'm hurting enough without all this, ok? You've done enough. You helped me through enough. If you want out; go. Quit hurting me, please.
You talk one minute and disappear the next. You treat me like everyone else. I'm so tired, Gar. I'm so tired and right now I feel so alone. Part of me is glad that you're better. The other part is ripped up because I don't know what you want from me. I know you're just trying to protect me from getting hurt, but ignoring me isn't helping me at all. You want to be my friend, right? Or is it too uncomfortable for you? Will you just tell me and get it over with?! I have accepted and can even rejoice now that you have found someone who shares your vision for life, who will support you and love you forever. I just can't figure out what to do with you, because you don't treat me like a friend.
You treat me like you don't know me. I realize that you're trying to distance yourself, but is all this really necessary? Can't you trust me to lean on God and listen to Him? You did that once, did that change to? I don't understand. I feel like I've not only lost the "you mean everything to me" part, I've also lost the dear friend that supported me through so much. I can deal with the first part, but the second is ripping me apart. I don't let many people in this far, why can't you make up your mind what you want? Why can't you just tell me?
Stupid British reserve.
Apr 5, 2005
the praises of unclean lips
Lord, help me. I know I asked You to use me, but why do I have to mess up and hurt people when I'm representing You? You know how much I hate that. I don't understand.
Your laws are to protect us. They have always kept my heart straight, they have always kept me from doing stupid things. It's not just a tradition, it's because of the relationship I have with You, and You tell me what's right.
Why does his hurt make me hurt? I don't even know this guy. I consider him a friend, but why on earth should I hurt like this, just because I've disappointed someone I don't even know? Just because someone is confused? Why did You make me with this heart that hurts for everyone, even when they're probably not hurt? Why do I rejoice with people I barely know, just because they're happy? Lord, I don't want to be a skinflint, but my heart is such an easy mark that it's pathetic. I cry for people I don't know, I pray for 6 years for a dog to come back home.
You listen to me though, despite my littleness. You bring back my dog, You hold me tight, You use me despite the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is Your Word, and that I only know because I've been taught it from before I could talk. Lord, help me. My wisdom isn't enough. I don't have the strength to tell people anything, I don't have the wisdom to put things rightly, I don't have the ability to touch people's hearts. Sometimes I don't even know what's right in Your eyes. I need Your wisdom, Lord, and I need Your love. The love you wrote about in Corinthians: patient, kind, never envious, never boastful, never proud, never delighting in evil but always rejoicing in the Truth, always protecting, always hoping, always perservering, and never failing. I need You, Lord.
Thanks.
Your laws are to protect us. They have always kept my heart straight, they have always kept me from doing stupid things. It's not just a tradition, it's because of the relationship I have with You, and You tell me what's right.
Why does his hurt make me hurt? I don't even know this guy. I consider him a friend, but why on earth should I hurt like this, just because I've disappointed someone I don't even know? Just because someone is confused? Why did You make me with this heart that hurts for everyone, even when they're probably not hurt? Why do I rejoice with people I barely know, just because they're happy? Lord, I don't want to be a skinflint, but my heart is such an easy mark that it's pathetic. I cry for people I don't know, I pray for 6 years for a dog to come back home.
You listen to me though, despite my littleness. You bring back my dog, You hold me tight, You use me despite the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is Your Word, and that I only know because I've been taught it from before I could talk. Lord, help me. My wisdom isn't enough. I don't have the strength to tell people anything, I don't have the wisdom to put things rightly, I don't have the ability to touch people's hearts. Sometimes I don't even know what's right in Your eyes. I need Your wisdom, Lord, and I need Your love. The love you wrote about in Corinthians: patient, kind, never envious, never boastful, never proud, never delighting in evil but always rejoicing in the Truth, always protecting, always hoping, always perservering, and never failing. I need You, Lord.
Thanks.
Apr 4, 2005
"Rest, cause I know You're faithful..."
Most amazing of all is this: God listens to the smallest prayer.
He gave me friends when I asked for someone to trust.
He gave my brother Chris the computer he's prayed for so long today. It's Chris' birthday.
He has used me more then I ever thought He could, right when I didn't think He would.
He has pulled me through harder times then I ever thought I'd face.
He has made Himself real to me.
He let me ride horses for free, whenever I wanted, just like I asked Him a year before He gave it to me.
He straightened my teeth so that I never needed braces.
He let me make peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for the homeless when I asked to.
The list goes on forever. Thanks, Lord.
He gave me friends when I asked for someone to trust.
He gave my brother Chris the computer he's prayed for so long today. It's Chris' birthday.
He has used me more then I ever thought He could, right when I didn't think He would.
He has pulled me through harder times then I ever thought I'd face.
He has made Himself real to me.
He let me ride horses for free, whenever I wanted, just like I asked Him a year before He gave it to me.
He straightened my teeth so that I never needed braces.
He let me make peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for the homeless when I asked to.
The list goes on forever. Thanks, Lord.
Mar 31, 2005
rambling
Ethan's got Regionals this weekend, which means that we're heading out even earlier then usual tomorrow. North Carolina should be reached by early evening and we'll be at my brother's house in time for dinner (which is a good thing, since we're the guests of honor). Spend the night, head for Charlotte, I forget where the actual competition is but we've got a lot of visiting to do in between now and then! The Desloges are high on the list and I think we've got the actual competition on Saturday. Back here by Monday.
Everything is a lot lighter around the house. That's the only way I know to describe it. I'm still figuring out where I'm at with God - so often I feel like a baby Christian. I'm on fire one minute, and then I mess up so badly the next or (and this is worse to me) I just don't care. One thing I'm incredibly glad about is the fact that it is eternally impossible for me to doubt His existance, otherwise I might be in a fix from time to time. However, even during the times that I've been "lukewarm", all I've got to do is brush my teeth or look in the mirror and I am given irrevocable proof that God is real and still moves miraculously. Thanks, Lord.
Everything is a lot lighter around the house. That's the only way I know to describe it. I'm still figuring out where I'm at with God - so often I feel like a baby Christian. I'm on fire one minute, and then I mess up so badly the next or (and this is worse to me) I just don't care. One thing I'm incredibly glad about is the fact that it is eternally impossible for me to doubt His existance, otherwise I might be in a fix from time to time. However, even during the times that I've been "lukewarm", all I've got to do is brush my teeth or look in the mirror and I am given irrevocable proof that God is real and still moves miraculously. Thanks, Lord.
La musica Christiana esta trista
But I won't be afraid
Just because you don't need me
I will not be ashamed
Just because you don't believe in
Anything that I say
Now I turn and I walk away from you
I won't fade away
I won't fade away again
Just because you don't need me
I will not be ashamed
Just because you don't believe in
Anything that I say
Now I turn and I walk away from you
I won't fade away
I won't fade away again
(Fade Away -- 12 STONES)
Mar 26, 2005
On Christ the solid Rock I stand...
As the people who know me say: I'm an extremely accomodating person. I get along with people, hug everyone I even remotely know, and can talk (or type) a mile a minute when given the opportunity.
Imagine then, me - the person that doesn't stop hanging out with people unless (a) they attempt to kill, rip apart, or put on welfare my family, (b) they are perverts who try to make me untrue to my standards, or (c) they openly tell me they hate me - having to stop loving one of very few people I trust, for no good reason. It's pretty hard.
God's helping though. There's this hole inside that's slowly being filled, but I didn't lose all of me, because God had me all along. There's such security in that - to have lost everything and still be able to have more then that. Yeah, it hurts sometimes, but I've determined to call the grieving to a halt. I've been slowly (but surely) coming out of it, now I've got to start moving forward.
Be strong & take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Imagine then, me - the person that doesn't stop hanging out with people unless (a) they attempt to kill, rip apart, or put on welfare my family, (b) they are perverts who try to make me untrue to my standards, or (c) they openly tell me they hate me - having to stop loving one of very few people I trust, for no good reason. It's pretty hard.
God's helping though. There's this hole inside that's slowly being filled, but I didn't lose all of me, because God had me all along. There's such security in that - to have lost everything and still be able to have more then that. Yeah, it hurts sometimes, but I've determined to call the grieving to a halt. I've been slowly (but surely) coming out of it, now I've got to start moving forward.
Be strong & take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.
Mar 25, 2005
Why are no Christian holidays celebrated anywhere near the correct dates??
If you put mozzarella, chicken, chopped onion, and a tad of garlic salt together on some toasted Italian bread, you get something that tastes delicious and necessitates the use of Listerine multiple times during the day. Eat it too often and you'll also get high cholesterol - but who under the age of 30 worries about that?
I had a good, long chat with God last night. There are so many things I don't - can't - understand. I feel like I've lost so much, but at the same time I've gained a good bit too. So much in my life has needed to change just in the past few weeks. This has caused a lot confusion in my personal life. One manifestation of that confusion has been my being completely oblivious to what day it is. My studies would have suffered if I wasn't able to keep abrest of them with relatively little concentration and effort. *laughs ruefully* I need to snap out of this.
On the bright side, I've been reading the Bible more. Not as much as I need to, but more. Also, I had Dad send me a ton of stuff on Apologetics and I've been periodically weeding through that - this is the kind of stuff I love doing. The hardest thing I'm facing is feeling lonely. Not full time, but sometimes I'll be sitting at my desk and I'll feel like crying. I miss my friends, I miss the people I love, and I miss being loved not as one of many, but as the only one. I have this incessant need inside to be special, to be singled out. I miss talking with close friends, I miss hugging people and just hanging out. God helps ever so much with that. He keeps me afloat. To quote Kutless, "It doesn't feel the same / And I'm feeling down / Amidst my pain / I see all my shame / And I'm feeling dry, but who am I to complain / I'm still free / You've set me free".
One thing I really love about God is the way that, when He promised He'd give peace and joy, He meant it. He knows exactly what friends to keep as strong supports in my life, He knows where I need to lean on Him. It's a really great thing to feel safe.
Lord, keep helping me through this.
I had a good, long chat with God last night. There are so many things I don't - can't - understand. I feel like I've lost so much, but at the same time I've gained a good bit too. So much in my life has needed to change just in the past few weeks. This has caused a lot confusion in my personal life. One manifestation of that confusion has been my being completely oblivious to what day it is. My studies would have suffered if I wasn't able to keep abrest of them with relatively little concentration and effort. *laughs ruefully* I need to snap out of this.
On the bright side, I've been reading the Bible more. Not as much as I need to, but more. Also, I had Dad send me a ton of stuff on Apologetics and I've been periodically weeding through that - this is the kind of stuff I love doing. The hardest thing I'm facing is feeling lonely. Not full time, but sometimes I'll be sitting at my desk and I'll feel like crying. I miss my friends, I miss the people I love, and I miss being loved not as one of many, but as the only one. I have this incessant need inside to be special, to be singled out. I miss talking with close friends, I miss hugging people and just hanging out. God helps ever so much with that. He keeps me afloat. To quote Kutless, "It doesn't feel the same / And I'm feeling down / Amidst my pain / I see all my shame / And I'm feeling dry, but who am I to complain / I'm still free / You've set me free".
One thing I really love about God is the way that, when He promised He'd give peace and joy, He meant it. He knows exactly what friends to keep as strong supports in my life, He knows where I need to lean on Him. It's a really great thing to feel safe.
Lord, keep helping me through this.
Mar 23, 2005
"to give the reason for the hope you have"
I was talking with a friend this afternoon, and the question, "How reliable is the Bible?" came up. Not for the first time, I've had to go back through everything I've been taught on this subject. I actually think I became pretty confusing during the explaination. I began to talk about the Talmudists (the Israelite priests who copied the Old Testament, known by the Jews as the "Talmud"). This can get rather confusing even when you're sitting through a four hour seminar. The rules they followed go on forever. "No word or letter can be written from memory", "Wash your entire body and put on full ceremonial dress before sitting down to write", "Should the king address you while you're writing the name of God, take no notice" - I went through several of these laws.
I think that I got a bit carried away! Everything I said was true, but I should have covered more bases. I should have talked more about how the reliablity of the Bible as has been conclusively proven. I should have said exactly how many words of the Bible are in question (200,000 words), explained how when "textual variations" (e.g. "One and only son of God" changed to "Only son of God") and spelling differences (e.g. a city or a person's name spelled differently in various parts of the Bible), that number drops dramatically (to 400 words). 400 is 1/2 of one percent of the words in the Bible.
I should have talked about how the Bible is the only book that has prophecy in it (aside from the Koran, which does have one prophecy. Mohammed said that he was going to return to Mecca. He then turned around and walked to Mecca.). I should have given the example of the city of Tyre (The Bible prophecied that it would be thrown into the midst of the sea, that it's surface would be scraped to bare rock, and that it would be a place used to spread fishnets - Ezekiel 26:4-5. All this happened. Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon conquered and tore down the city. Alexander the Great had the all the ruins put into the sea so that he could cross to the other island/city. It's bare rock and fishermen still use that spot to spread out their nets to mend and dry.). Instead I harped on the Talmudists like it was going out of style.
Sometimes I'm incredibly glad that God is the one that's God and that my mistakes don't mess up what He's doing.
I think that I got a bit carried away! Everything I said was true, but I should have covered more bases. I should have talked more about how the reliablity of the Bible as has been conclusively proven. I should have said exactly how many words of the Bible are in question (200,000 words), explained how when "textual variations" (e.g. "One and only son of God" changed to "Only son of God") and spelling differences (e.g. a city or a person's name spelled differently in various parts of the Bible), that number drops dramatically (to 400 words). 400 is 1/2 of one percent of the words in the Bible.
I should have talked about how the Bible is the only book that has prophecy in it (aside from the Koran, which does have one prophecy. Mohammed said that he was going to return to Mecca. He then turned around and walked to Mecca.). I should have given the example of the city of Tyre (The Bible prophecied that it would be thrown into the midst of the sea, that it's surface would be scraped to bare rock, and that it would be a place used to spread fishnets - Ezekiel 26:4-5. All this happened. Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon conquered and tore down the city. Alexander the Great had the all the ruins put into the sea so that he could cross to the other island/city. It's bare rock and fishermen still use that spot to spread out their nets to mend and dry.). Instead I harped on the Talmudists like it was going out of style.
Sometimes I'm incredibly glad that God is the one that's God and that my mistakes don't mess up what He's doing.
Slightly confused, but at peace.
People are fighting
Emotions reach all time high
Lord, where's the way out?
-:-:-:-
The part I hated most about it was that I love them both so much. I didn't know how to comfort the one without putting down the other, and I wouldn't do that. Thankfully, God helped me out. He reminded me to pray, and I offered. The offer was refused, but Mom and I prayed and Shelly joined silently. That was a real blessing.
Father, what are You doing?
Mar 18, 2005
Bullet Points
- There is a use for haiku. They're wonderful tools for condensing emotion into 17 syllables; this making it easy to analyze and work with/around what's inside. The hardest part is writing the little boogers.
- The inferiority complex I struggle with is just a check on my habitual (though almost entirely unconcious) "I'm better then you" attitude. My vanity and pride need a vacation. A long one. In fact, can we just Fed-Ex them to some third-world-country and forget about them? I am so sick of (physically/spiritually) having my nose in the air one moment and wishing it would completely change shapes (or just pop off) the next.
- Perfect organization is impossible. Not only that, it's painful. Get used to it and learn to appreciate small imperfections.
- The importance of friends cannot be over-rated.
- God is God. I'm not. (i.e. this is the right state of affairs, because I'm not the one that's SUPPOSED to be in control!). He knows what He's doing. Yes, He planned this. He did not single me out just to see how long I can suffer. *grins* He loves me. And I love Him back.
- "I am a nobody, sent by Someone, to do something." God doesn't make mistakes.
Mar 17, 2005
bittersweet
Mar 15, 2005
rewritten completely 3 times
Have you ever had someone walk in on you when you were in the middle of doing something that suddenly became extremely embarressing simpy because somone else was there? Changing, taking a shower, ect. - remember that feeling?
I found yesterday that someone else reads this journal. My first reaction went something like, "Oh crud! Someone read THAT?!"
All in all though, it's not a bad thing. Yes, it makes it a little harder to be totally honest; but since I have no clue who the guy is, it's not as hard as if Joe (for example) had stumbled across the right URL.
Right ho then - back to writing once or (at the max) twice a week here and spending the rest of the time at my other journal. Oh & Cilla - don't act.
I found yesterday that someone else reads this journal. My first reaction went something like, "Oh crud! Someone read THAT?!"
All in all though, it's not a bad thing. Yes, it makes it a little harder to be totally honest; but since I have no clue who the guy is, it's not as hard as if Joe (for example) had stumbled across the right URL.
Right ho then - back to writing once or (at the max) twice a week here and spending the rest of the time at my other journal. Oh & Cilla - don't act.
Mar 14, 2005
Something to think about
There's really only one thing I seriously dislike about having my window blocked up: that there is no light. Right now I feel like I've been locked away. I've been fighting with depression and anger and I've had a regression in watching my weight since the beginning of March; all that has combined to get me to where I am today.
Today I am tired of living for myself. Today I am tired of listening to God 75% of the time and giving in to satan's attacks for the rest of it. Today I am tired of lying by my actions if not by my words. Today I am tired of being so selfish. Today I am tired of my pride and of my feeling inferior. Today I am sick and tired of being human.
Thank God, there is a way out. All I need to do is turn to Him and really mean it. How do I do that? I'm not 100% sure, but I want to learn.
Today I am tired of living for myself. Today I am tired of listening to God 75% of the time and giving in to satan's attacks for the rest of it. Today I am tired of lying by my actions if not by my words. Today I am tired of being so selfish. Today I am tired of my pride and of my feeling inferior. Today I am sick and tired of being human.
Thank God, there is a way out. All I need to do is turn to Him and really mean it. How do I do that? I'm not 100% sure, but I want to learn.
Mar 9, 2005
ouch
It really hurts, Gar. I've got peace, but I've still got to go through this grieving process, because I've lost my best friend. You're leaving me. That hurts more then anything else because, even though I knew it might happen, you'd convinced me that it wouldn't.
Everything has changed. I can't even sleep the same way, because I can't "hug". I can't wake the same way, because I can't wish you "goodmorning". I can't call you "my Gar". I can't say that I need you or that you mean everything to me. I have to keep rebuking these silly things telling me, "Well, you both said you weren't good enough for each other, but I guess you were the one that was right, huh, Cilla?"
No matter what I can't have you as, I pray that you'll consider me a friend. Right now, this hurts, but God will get me through it. Once He does, while He does, I want to have you as my friend. I still believe that God made us friends; and I don't care who you marry as long as you're really honest with me about what I am. If I'm nothing to you, then I'll go. If you want me to stay as your friend, just tell me.
Everything has changed. I can't even sleep the same way, because I can't "hug". I can't wake the same way, because I can't wish you "goodmorning". I can't call you "my Gar". I can't say that I need you or that you mean everything to me. I have to keep rebuking these silly things telling me, "Well, you both said you weren't good enough for each other, but I guess you were the one that was right, huh, Cilla?"
No matter what I can't have you as, I pray that you'll consider me a friend. Right now, this hurts, but God will get me through it. Once He does, while He does, I want to have you as my friend. I still believe that God made us friends; and I don't care who you marry as long as you're really honest with me about what I am. If I'm nothing to you, then I'll go. If you want me to stay as your friend, just tell me.
Mar 7, 2005
a glimpse of my mind today
- I know that God is awesome beyond my comprehension and that, compared to Him, I'm less than nothing. Why then do I feel so comfortable treating Him with familiarity?
- Given that all my friends are as mature as they appear to be and that most of them are (a) older then me by at least 2 years, and (b) on par with me mentally/emotionally; what am I?
- If I am as mature as many people see me as and yet can see so many areas that need a great deal of work in my life and am severely disappointed in myself quite often -- what is the rest of society like?
- Why, even though I know my struggles and failures, do I sometimes get so prideful?
- What's changed to make me love some people so much that, even when I'm angry, I can't stand being away from them? (whereas I used to be a lone wolf)
- What is God's definition of Truth?
- How can I give myself up completely?
- How is it possible for me to love someone and at the same time take them for granted?
- What three things should I focus on changing & growing in?
- Why, when I've given God control over them and have tried so hard to be patient, do I have a such a hard time waiting for things I really want?
Feb 28, 2005
evening prayers
Lord, I'm tired. I want so much to help people, but many of them don't seem to want my help. I want so much to be kind to people, but when I do they seem to throw it back in my face. I try so hard to get things done, but I end up achieving the opposite of my goals. I try to give the whole thing to You and end up holding on to the majority myself.
I have seen so much that You've done, so much that You're doing. I'm amazed by that, amazed by You. Lord, You are such a comfort. Thank You for always being here and for allowing me to lean on You more then anyone else, for understanding even the pettiest of my annoyances and for loving me despite all my failings. Thank You for taking the garbage in my life and carrying it Yourself. I give You my tiredness, my arrogance, my annoyances, my inabilities, my self righteousness, and my love. Help me live for You.
G'night, Abba.
I have seen so much that You've done, so much that You're doing. I'm amazed by that, amazed by You. Lord, You are such a comfort. Thank You for always being here and for allowing me to lean on You more then anyone else, for understanding even the pettiest of my annoyances and for loving me despite all my failings. Thank You for taking the garbage in my life and carrying it Yourself. I give You my tiredness, my arrogance, my annoyances, my inabilities, my self righteousness, and my love. Help me live for You.
G'night, Abba.
It's lovely outside
We're in a period of great spiritual attack. My whole family knew this would happen when Michelle came, because with her came the spirits that have attacked her throughought her life: Contention, Anger, and others. I'm having a hard time focusing and I've had a harder time struggling with my temper (this being the reason for a rise in journal entries chronicaling my progress with it).
I could really use some prayer and any invitations to leave home would be greatly appreciated. Shoot, if some of my friends would just come over, it'd be nice. In the meantime, prayer is the major thing my family and I need. Peace and joy are fast becoming rare commodities.
I could really use some prayer and any invitations to leave home would be greatly appreciated. Shoot, if some of my friends would just come over, it'd be nice. In the meantime, prayer is the major thing my family and I need. Peace and joy are fast becoming rare commodities.
Feb 27, 2005
thinking
I first started to try to get back with God because I needed to help people. Then I realized that I needed God more then I did people. After that, I started to realize that God provides the people when I do my best to follow Him. Once I realized this, I was amazed to see that I value the relationships I have more then ever before, just because they were given to me by God. Every friend I have is such an incredible blessing to me; and I seem to be getting more all the time!
I'm surprised by this quite regularly because it's often a struggle for me to get along with other people. There are two reasons for that. Reason One: although I'm very outgoing, I'm also the poster child for "Private: Don't Ask". I'd learned that it's wise to test people before trusting them. The funny thing about this is that I took it to the extreme (because I was relying on myself and not God to provide my friends). I've finally learned to trust again, and even though it's a battle for me, God is more than faithful.
The second reason is that I have a very volitile temper. I've had to learn, over many years of "screwing up", to keep it in check. Not everyone that gets me mad (so I've found) was trying to, the world is NOT out to get me, and it is more then possible for God to teach me to keep my cool. I'm still in the stage where I need to pull what my mom thought for ages was a "pacifistic, self righteous look" so as to keep from losing it, but I've learned. Mostly. *grins*
Regardless of how well I keep my temper, I'm still fighting with my Self over what I get annoyed with. Little things seem to bother me more then big ones, for example: I find it easy to laugh or roll my eyes when someone takes out their frustration at something else on me; but my sister and her 2-year-old son moving into my room is hard for me to handle. The messes they make just by existing and the fact that I can't have rule and reign in this space from 5AM to 11PM annoys me more then a punch in the face would! God's still working on this & it's been much easier then I thought it would be, but prayer wouldn't hurt!!
In any case, thank God for my friends and, oh, by the way - did you know that my Gar is coming home in 8 days?!
I'm surprised by this quite regularly because it's often a struggle for me to get along with other people. There are two reasons for that. Reason One: although I'm very outgoing, I'm also the poster child for "Private: Don't Ask". I'd learned that it's wise to test people before trusting them. The funny thing about this is that I took it to the extreme (because I was relying on myself and not God to provide my friends). I've finally learned to trust again, and even though it's a battle for me, God is more than faithful.
The second reason is that I have a very volitile temper. I've had to learn, over many years of "screwing up", to keep it in check. Not everyone that gets me mad (so I've found) was trying to, the world is NOT out to get me, and it is more then possible for God to teach me to keep my cool. I'm still in the stage where I need to pull what my mom thought for ages was a "pacifistic, self righteous look" so as to keep from losing it, but I've learned. Mostly. *grins*
Regardless of how well I keep my temper, I'm still fighting with my Self over what I get annoyed with. Little things seem to bother me more then big ones, for example: I find it easy to laugh or roll my eyes when someone takes out their frustration at something else on me; but my sister and her 2-year-old son moving into my room is hard for me to handle. The messes they make just by existing and the fact that I can't have rule and reign in this space from 5AM to 11PM annoys me more then a punch in the face would! God's still working on this & it's been much easier then I thought it would be, but prayer wouldn't hurt!!
In any case, thank God for my friends and, oh, by the way - did you know that my Gar is coming home in 8 days?!
Feb 26, 2005
Does anyone else do this publically??!
I'm being attacked about my looks again. Kicking myself, for absolutely no reason really. I'm really bad with this. I keep on forgetting that God is in control, keep on leaving myself open to attack in this area in particular. I always wanted to be the perfect person, look great, love whoever I wanted and have them love me back even if it was just because of how I looked - all this unconsciously. Thus, I look at myself in a mirror or on my webcam and think, "My gosh, Cilla, who could ever like you? You look awful. You look like a kid. You look stupid. It only gets worse when you smile, you know." Then I think about it and realize that it's not me thinking this. The truth is that God gives me my friends. The truth is that whoever God wants to love me, will. The truth is that God made me exactly the way He wanted to, and most of the time I happen to like the way I look, thank you.
In any case, all this was the preface. I'm turning on the said webcam and writing a description of me, just because I'm sick of what satan keeps saying. So, from head to toe, here goes one of my most random posts yet.
Objective description of me:
I'm little (5'3"), but I've always liked that because it makes me look almost as cuddly as I am. My hair is pretty short, about to the bottom of my shoulder blades, dark brown with a bit of red in it. My face is an unusual shape, almost oval but with cheekbones that sometimes make it look square. My eyebrows are one of my main forms of expression, even though I can never get them even and they're rather thick for a member of "the fair sex". Steely blue eyes that get lighter if I cry. Average ears (pierced), little chin, and eyelashes about as long as they come. The inside of my mouth takes after my mom's - I've got big, straight teeth. The outside is more like Dad's, bigger lips that curl into a smile naturally.
My shoulders are broad and I've always been strong in my upper body. Arms are proportionate to everything else. I don't like my hands that well. I'm inclined to think that my fingers are too short for their width. I have a nice "tummy", or will once I finish losing the 8lbs that look more like about 10 or more because of my height. I've got nice legs and my feet are small but more or less good looking, even though my toes aren't as long as I sometimes think they should be. Dad says I'm well proportioned, Mom says everything fits. Michelle says I could get any guy I wanted; but she's thinking one night stand and I'm going for forever. That's me.
In any case, all this was the preface. I'm turning on the said webcam and writing a description of me, just because I'm sick of what satan keeps saying. So, from head to toe, here goes one of my most random posts yet.
Objective description of me:
I'm little (5'3"), but I've always liked that because it makes me look almost as cuddly as I am. My hair is pretty short, about to the bottom of my shoulder blades, dark brown with a bit of red in it. My face is an unusual shape, almost oval but with cheekbones that sometimes make it look square. My eyebrows are one of my main forms of expression, even though I can never get them even and they're rather thick for a member of "the fair sex". Steely blue eyes that get lighter if I cry. Average ears (pierced), little chin, and eyelashes about as long as they come. The inside of my mouth takes after my mom's - I've got big, straight teeth. The outside is more like Dad's, bigger lips that curl into a smile naturally.
My shoulders are broad and I've always been strong in my upper body. Arms are proportionate to everything else. I don't like my hands that well. I'm inclined to think that my fingers are too short for their width. I have a nice "tummy", or will once I finish losing the 8lbs that look more like about 10 or more because of my height. I've got nice legs and my feet are small but more or less good looking, even though my toes aren't as long as I sometimes think they should be. Dad says I'm well proportioned, Mom says everything fits. Michelle says I could get any guy I wanted; but she's thinking one night stand and I'm going for forever. That's me.
Feb 25, 2005
happy
In looking back over all my posts (less than a dozen, shockingly enough), I've realized that I use this journal mainly to talk to/about Gareth. I think the reasons for that are
Gar left in December for a 3 month trip to the Ukraine (HE'S COMING BACK IN 10 DAYS!!! This is truly exciting. *grins*). I'm positive that his trip was God's will; although I still can't figure out why Ebenezer (the organization) sends people from various countries, pays for their housing and food, and then hires interpreters to go everywhere with these recruits and explain what they're saying. I have a hard time getting around the notion that it'd make more sense to raise money in other countries, pay the interpreters' room & board and send the interpreters (who're already running about up there) through the Ukraine. I'm sure Gar will tell me the full deal when I ask about it(in a much more polite manner then I've done here, because I really don't want to offend anyone - and especially not him - by being too forthright; plus the fact I'm really only slightly curious about this business anomaly). I can't say how much I'm looking forward to talking with him again.
It's blown my socks off that, during these past few months, I've had a much easier time of it than I ever would have imagined. I've missed Gar a lot, but my struggles have been dealt with by God and He's always made sure that "my Gar" was there when I needed him. The thing is, God has had me lean on Him first and then given me Gareth to cheer me up afterward. It follows by rote that this has been a real training period for me. I've been hurt a couple times, I've been discouraged many times, and once or twice my old "friend" Depression has tried to rejoin my company. God had everything well in hand every time and dealt with things as quickly as I asked Him to. That's been an incredible blessing to me. I've learned how to fight battles and to not lean on Man (literally :p ) before leaning on God.
It's great to have loved ones, and they're put in our lives to support us, but not every problem is a "run to so-and-so, they'll give you God's word on it" fiasco. God can, and does, speak for Himself. Also, I've had reinforced the lesson that God is the one who gives friends and who works it out for me to see them WHEN IT'S HIS PLAN. He knows how much I love people and how dearly I value friends, and there's never been a time that I've needed a friend and been alone. I'm really looking forward to everything God leads me into & to seeing what doors He opens before me.
- I've told no one but Gar about this journal, and
- Gar forgot the URL for this journal.
Gar left in December for a 3 month trip to the Ukraine (HE'S COMING BACK IN 10 DAYS!!! This is truly exciting. *grins*). I'm positive that his trip was God's will; although I still can't figure out why Ebenezer (the organization) sends people from various countries, pays for their housing and food, and then hires interpreters to go everywhere with these recruits and explain what they're saying. I have a hard time getting around the notion that it'd make more sense to raise money in other countries, pay the interpreters' room & board and send the interpreters (who're already running about up there) through the Ukraine. I'm sure Gar will tell me the full deal when I ask about it(in a much more polite manner then I've done here, because I really don't want to offend anyone - and especially not him - by being too forthright; plus the fact I'm really only slightly curious about this business anomaly). I can't say how much I'm looking forward to talking with him again.
It's blown my socks off that, during these past few months, I've had a much easier time of it than I ever would have imagined. I've missed Gar a lot, but my struggles have been dealt with by God and He's always made sure that "my Gar" was there when I needed him. The thing is, God has had me lean on Him first and then given me Gareth to cheer me up afterward. It follows by rote that this has been a real training period for me. I've been hurt a couple times, I've been discouraged many times, and once or twice my old "friend" Depression has tried to rejoin my company. God had everything well in hand every time and dealt with things as quickly as I asked Him to. That's been an incredible blessing to me. I've learned how to fight battles and to not lean on Man (literally :p ) before leaning on God.
It's great to have loved ones, and they're put in our lives to support us, but not every problem is a "run to so-and-so, they'll give you God's word on it" fiasco. God can, and does, speak for Himself. Also, I've had reinforced the lesson that God is the one who gives friends and who works it out for me to see them WHEN IT'S HIS PLAN. He knows how much I love people and how dearly I value friends, and there's never been a time that I've needed a friend and been alone. I'm really looking forward to everything God leads me into & to seeing what doors He opens before me.
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