Sometimes, I wish we didn't even know her. No, I'm being far too strong there, let me rephrase. Sometimes, I get tired of having to stand beside the swimming pool that is Michelle, holding a one cup measuring cup full of the kindnesses that take the place of water, pouring in and pouring in and never getting anything back. At times, I feel like I've got the whole Grand Canyon to fill up before I'll ever get even a "thank you" in return. It's hard.
Right now, she's throwing a tantrum with Mom and Dad because they've made her put Bradley to bed at his bedtime instead of letting him stay up till 11 with us. She was literally screaming at them and telling them what awful people they were and how they're trying to control every aspect of her life. Lord, I know this is a spiritual attack and I thank You for helping it to cool down once we started praying against it; but can't I be a little ticked off with her? No. That's the last thing she needs. Crud, Lord, I can't forgive her without Your help. Please help me here.
Why do we have to deal with these outbursts? And why does she have to take everything personally?
Last night, her son (who is very happy and easygoing when she's gone, but knows she'll let him get away with anything he wants and therefore throws tantrums more often then any child I've ever met when she's home) was playing with a LEGO shark. Because he knew she was home, he started screaming when it wouldn't do what he wanted it to. The misfortune in this was that he began his tantrum in the same room that Jon was reading in. I walked in and asked Jon what had happened. Bradley had, by that time, run from the room. Jon was had started telling me when Michelle yelled for Jon to stop bothering Bradley. (she had not gotten up from the kitchen table or seen anything that happened)
I answered that Jon had not bothered Brad, that he was just reading.
Michelle didn't listen.
The whole thing ended when she came in, got in Jon's face (a little less then 1 foot away) and began yelling at him. I literally stepped inbetween the two of them and ended it by saying something to the effect of "Jon didn't do anything." (a bit more conciliatory then that)
Michelle hasn't physically pushed me around since I was 4 and she slapped me (my earliest, and only, childhood memory of her), so I wasn't expecting any non-verbal lacerations. She left the room and started talking with Ethan, trying to get him to agree with her that I stick my nose in everything and am a...well...nevermind. Ethan did the right thing and kept his mouth shut. I am proud of him for that.
I will not let her bully my baby brothers. She can put me down all she likes, I'm usually able to brush most of it off because it's just the way she treats people, but Jon and Chris get deeply hurt by that kind of thing. I can't stand by and let that happen; and I won't.
Lord, I can't figure out how to love her. It's like trying to kiss a great white - I can't even get close before I'm being ripped apart. It hurts. I try so hard and then she throws a monkey wrench in the gears, effectively cutting off anything I was trying. I end up trying to figure out the way that will get her the least mad at me.
Well, I guess I did pray for my patience to be worked on, didn't I?
Help us to love her Your way.
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