How Great Thou Art

Today I'm somewhat upset with Gar. I've never been that before. Really, I shouldn't be now, he's not done anything intentionally, but I am being pathetic and childish inside even if I'm not showing it.

I'm so easy to hurt that it's pathetic. No, that's an exaggeration. Saying that I'm a very easy mark for those that I love is much more accurate. Why? Simply because I don't expect to need a shield around the people I trust. I'm an easy mark because I wear no armor. I refuse to - why should I need it? I suppose that - in some ways - I trust people too much; but then, I only trust a select few. I'm barely learning to be open with others. This dichotamy within me seems to go on ad infinitum. I'm tired of it, but this is who I am.

I used to like it when Gareth was protective, even paternal at times, toward me. Then he informed me that he didn't want "us" anymore. The problem is, Gar has always been really good at sending confusing signals. He's too nice for his own good. He tells me that he wants to be "just friends"; but tells me to keep the medal that (he said when he gave it to me) symbolized that he'd always be my best friend, that he'd put everything into our friendship, and that he'd always be there. He tells me to keep the locket. He tells me to keep everything. I wish that if he was going to hurt me, he'd do it in a mean way that would let me justify the pain I'm feeling inside. He's too kind to do that, but now I feel rather guilty about being pained/angry that he's left me. I know better. Crud, I've been dreaming about this man since I was four years old. I've always loved him in my dreams, even before I met him. That's why I asked Sue, "What's his name again?" I knew that I knew him. I couldn't take my eyes off him, I knew I'd seen him, somewhere. I knew that he meant something to me.

The thing is, in my dreams, he's always left. I've always been left searching for him. In one of my most common dreams he's the only one that I can trust. I wander through this huge building, avoiding everyone else, trying to find a way of contacting the one safe spot in my world. I hated that dream, but at the same time I loved it because in the beginning I was special, I was safe, I was loved.

In real life, I have done nothing I regret. I kept God in control. I gave my friend and his life up to God. I don't know what's going on, but God does. I've been in places that hurt like this before and God has always used them for good. I can trust Him to do the same again.

Lord, take from me whatever needs to go. Leave only what You want inside. I trust You. One thing, Lord...please take care of the people I love. Don't let them get hurt. They mean everything to me. Thanks, Father.