Dreaming

I'm sorry for needing you to carry me
So simple, sometimes, when you're standing next to me
You never change
You never stay the same
Like a picture-perfect sunrise, every time
With one last song to sing

Take it all away from me and
Tell me how you want this to be
I want you
I need you

-----------------------

"The dreams you've had sound really interesting!"

Yeah, incredibly interesting. I love being shot, raped, tortured, chased, threatened, or abandoned. I love seeing this over, and over, and over, and over again in my wonderful repetitive dreams. I love having to remember to pray, every single night, that God will protect me from those so that I will not have them. I love forgetting to pray and having to deal with dreams that sap my strength and make me wake up and bite into my beanbag because I am only half-awake and so freaked out that confuse it with my attackers. I love dreaming and seeing you, hugging you, talking with you, and then waking up and realizing it was just that - a dream. It's just peachy.
I've told you about some of my dreams, but others I kept from you. You always did the same for me. We were each protecting the other from our own personal nightmares. Did you know that in one dream I have been having my entire life, I'm just looking for you? I meet you, we talk for a while and hug, then you leave. I spend the rest of the dream running through corridors and being alone in such a huge crowd of people. I hate the aloneness, the abandonment, that I have always felt in that dream.

Interesting? No, not really.

Dang it, Gar, will you quit not knowing what to do? Please?! I'm hurting enough without all this, ok? You've done enough. You helped me through enough. If you want out; go. Quit hurting me, please.

You talk one minute and disappear the next. You treat me like everyone else. I'm so tired, Gar. I'm so tired and right now I feel so alone. Part of me is glad that you're better. The other part is ripped up because I don't know what you want from me. I know you're just trying to protect me from getting hurt, but ignoring me isn't helping me at all. You want to be my friend, right? Or is it too uncomfortable for you? Will you just tell me and get it over with?! I have accepted and can even rejoice now that you have found someone who shares your vision for life, who will support you and love you forever. I just can't figure out what to do with you, because you don't treat me like a friend.

You treat me like you don't know me. I realize that you're trying to distance yourself, but is all this really necessary? Can't you trust me to lean on God and listen to Him? You did that once, did that change to? I don't understand. I feel like I've not only lost the "you mean everything to me" part, I've also lost the dear friend that supported me through so much. I can deal with the first part, but the second is ripping me apart. I don't let many people in this far, why can't you make up your mind what you want? Why can't you just tell me?

Stupid British reserve.