There's really only one thing I seriously dislike about having my window blocked up: that there is no light. Right now I feel like I've been locked away. I've been fighting with depression and anger and I've had a regression in watching my weight since the beginning of March; all that has combined to get me to where I am today.
Today I am tired of living for myself. Today I am tired of listening to God 75% of the time and giving in to satan's attacks for the rest of it. Today I am tired of lying by my actions if not by my words. Today I am tired of being so selfish. Today I am tired of my pride and of my feeling inferior. Today I am sick and tired of being human.
Thank God, there is a way out. All I need to do is turn to Him and really mean it. How do I do that? I'm not 100% sure, but I want to learn.
7 comments:
Realize you're human, don't take life so seriously and just feel the warmth.
I promise.
Thank you.
In all honesty, I'm rather surprised to have gotten a comment - I'm brutally honest in this journal because none of the people I know have the URL! I'm also going through a real period of struggle (and have been writing mainly on LJ since the last one I went through); result being that I end up sounding like someone tried bursting my bubble with an A-bomb...
Anyway -- all that to say this: Thanks for the objective opinion and I'll be at least partially acting on it. *grins*
-Priscilla ('Cilla)
I figured you would be (surprised) seeing as there are no other comments. (Except for the two from yourself and Gar.) Brutally honest is good when no one reads. I was brutally honest on mine then it got around to too many people I know so it is now for pictures. (I think..lol)
Your brutality, if you will, has earned yourself an interested reader. I want to know what happened to Gar. From what I gathered he went on a trip, was supposed to be back in 10 days (it has now been I think 17) and your second to last post is about him leaving you and you not being able to handle it. What's going on here? Just curious and I know from experience it helps when someone is actually curious.
AS far as the A-bomb goes....it cannot burst your bubble, your bubble shall float over it. Look down on the destruction and like I said last time, enjoy the warmth. Take a deep breath and slow down. God doesn't expect you to be perfect. One more thing before I go.... When you want to talk to Gar just close your eyes. He will be there. Keep your head up.
"Your brutality, if you will, has earned yourself an interested reader."
Well, I'll try NOT to keep that in mind when I'm writing!
As for "what happened to Gar"; it's a bit detailed, but I'll give you the highlights, sure. He went to the Ukraine on a missions trip. He wrote me whenever he could, but I didn't hear from him for apprx the last week or so before he got back. While he was there (and I've still not asked when for fear of hurting him) he met a girl the both of them believe will marry him someday. That hurt, but God's gotten me through it and (funnily enough) I got to the point today that I want to try to be her friend if she'll let me; main reason being that he's a dear friend of mine and it'd be a pity if his wife couldn't stand me!
As for closing my eyes and seeing Gareth, I can't do that anymore. He's not mine to do it with. I'm more and more ok with that, Gar and I have talked it over and we're still friends. When I want to talk to him, I say so and he makes time - that's what friends are for.
Keeping my head up whilst trying to keep my nose out of the air (??!)
Cilla
In all your writings you made Gar out to be a really close friend so why does this other girl upset you so much? Are you being honest with yourself about your feelings for him?
I think you two can still be friends. If it was meant to be you know it will be. If it wasn't meant to be then God will bring someone else into your life. You are a very beautiful person and will be blessed. (I stumbled across some pictures. I couldn't stop laughing at ummm, your office in the shower?)
Gar doesn't have to be yours for you to close your eyes and talk with him. I have a problem of falling in love and staying in love even though I move on. There are a few people I haven't talked to in years but I still close my eyes and talk to them. It helps when you feel lonely and lost.
As far as your most recent post, don't be embarrassed...I can't read. Your secrets are safe. heh
Yes, Gar was my "really close friend", but there was a lot more to it. Example: He gave me a locket with his pic in it and told me to wear it round my neck 24/7. He also constantly told me I meant everything to him and that he was "my Gar" and would stay it always. That's where the confusion came in. Yes, I was honest with myself, with God, and with Gar about my feelings (which is a lot of why I'm doing so well now). Regardless, I have learned a lot and gained a lot through the friendship he gave me and I'm sure I'll be doing more of the same in future.
My office in the shower. Yeah. That was taken, I think, 4 or 5 years ago when I was living in this really tiny apartment that had no room for my desk. Still, you wouldn't believe how convenient it is to not have to leave your coursework to wash your hair...*grins*
Cilla
Inspiring.
I'm moving my desk into the shower right now...
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