People are fighting
Emotions reach all time high
Lord, where's the way out?
-:-:-:-
The part I hated most about it was that I love them both so much. I didn't know how to comfort the one without putting down the other, and I wouldn't do that. Thankfully, God helped me out. He reminded me to pray, and I offered. The offer was refused, but Mom and I prayed and Shelly joined silently. That was a real blessing.
Father, what are You doing?
14 comments:
Sitting on the side
Looking in from behind you
I wish I could help.
I've got a way out
I'm Christ-bought, He has saved me
That's where I get peace
Yes, we're using Haiku rather oddly today, but it's good fun!
Thanks for your offer of help. *smiling*
Fun for you laughing at my attempts? {=0)
I'm bored so here are some more tries. Hope the slippers are going well. Remember, I prefer a bright natural blue opposed to a dark deep blue. heh
Vacuum cleaner runs
Shows lack of respect to us
Whats wrong neighbor man
selfish? I think not
the way you hurt me inside
insecurities
logical chaos
illogical standard means
dreams coincide
birds chirping loudly
sun high shining brilliantly
spring time has arrived
warm glow on my face
cold of night comes too early
morning in your eyes
One of your posts gave me an idea to do the same as you, picking up the Bible, opening it and see what's there. I don't know if it is amazing or if anything I open to could pertain to my life at this point. Here is where I just landed, it is also the first thing my eyes looked at.
Luke 15:1-7
Now the tax collectors and "sinners" were all gathering around to hear him. But the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, "This man welcomes sinners and eats with them."
Then Jesus told them this parable: "Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.' I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent."
Call your friends and neighbors. *holding emotion back*
Oi, that is so great Jeremy! You know, it's getting to the point that almost every time I hear from you, you're telling me about something incredible God has just done for you!! THANKS, GOD!!
I'm so glad that your "Shepherd" has found you; and I know that He's rejoicing. As a matter of fact, I am to!
Cilla
Encompassed darkness
Penetrates my broken soul
Break free child break free
I just wanted to throw that in and before I left wanted to clarify something. When I told you there is alot of pain inside and you said, "*Listening*." I didn't mean to blow you off or side step it and I would gladly tell you everything that hurts(everything). It would take a long time though, it would be very hard for me and there is a part of me that feels so strongly about not having it as bad as others so I don't feel I have a right to pour it out onto someone else.
I'm going to post to you an e-mail. This may help you understand me a bit more and save me some heartache in the future. Before I go looking and cutting and pasting I really want to Thank YOU with everything I have. I cannot put into words the feelings I have had lately.
And now Ladies and Gentlemen for your reading enborement I present to you, "Conversations..." Please be forwarned this is very revealing and I do have ALOT of weakness, anger, hurt and other stuff built up inside. You are about to see some of it.
My Dad wrote an e-mail to my sister, I believe I mentioned trying to get those two to speak again. Well he made the mistake of CCing me on it. I believe this was back in June or July of last year. What you see in {{ are his words then of course my rebuttal.
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I'm sorry to hear you now feel there is very little between us.....just
strange, I never thought you felt there was.
((Tanya, sorry I didn't call you back, I just feel there is very little
between you & I and I have a BIG problem w/ your lack of respect to Maw &
Paw, your mother and to me which is last and least.<<
Since when were you last and least? Yes I'm going to be a smartass because
you have NEVER been able to let me talk about my feelings when it came to
how YOU handled things. You also say you have a problem with the "Oh
everythings peachy game," strange, you played that game my whole childhood
and believe me, I make note of those that do as well and you have been in
the number one spot for a very long time. I also don't see how you can now
throw in Tanyas face that there is little between the two of you....since
when has there been? I never saw you make an effort.....The way I see it in
my mind is you were happy you got to take your little boy (that you didn't
have time for) just to make mom miserable and you said screw the rest.
That's how it looks when your in my shoes. You also have to learn not
everyone can be as perfect and logical as you seem to be trying to make
yourself out to be. That pushes people away........
(("Smiling faces, smiling faces they lie and they don't tell the truth"<< I
don't smile when I think of you and my past so I hope that wasn't for me,
besides....half the time you don't allow people to tell the truth..and look,
I don't know you now...at all. So I'm basing all of this on what I know of
you from being raised by you. I just hope you learned from alot of mistakes
you made with me and you don't make them with the kids you are responsible
for now because having to go through this crap SUCKS!!!!
((So lets all get real about this and let it lay where it
may....................<< You get real about this, nothings lieing for
me....I have let it lie my whole life out of fear of you and now I feel like
I'm two completely different people....yeah yeah yeah, you say get over your
past....well shut up Dr. Phil, you ruined it so I cant let it just lay where
it may until something gives.......you and I both feel we are right when it
comes to stuff like this, I learned from the best (stubborn hard headedness)
so who knows whats going to happen....at the moment, my life is fucked
enough that I don't care so I drown it in beer, xanax and weed....go figure
huh... Don't be shocked, I've always been this way, you just never had the
compassion and understanding towards me to see it. All you saw was someone
that had to be perfect...
Have a great day Dad!!!
Don't forget that you have a grandson that talks about you all the time and
colors you pictures....
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Jeremy,
I Thought I Knew Everything.............
I would give anything to go back and live my adult life to date without making any mistakes while raising and nurturing children so that they may be able to soar high and be happy within their selves and their lives.
A few years ago I told you I was sorry for all the things I did and all the mistakes I made trying to raise you, you weren't ready.
I pray and wish for you the day to come soon that you will be ready. Maybe then is when you will be able to nurture your child within and begin your journey to wholeness and happiness.
Jeremy, you did nothing to deserve everything I did to you and put you through . I was dysfunctional, mean and undeserving of the right to become a parent. I still struggle with my lack of parenting skills and try to be aware of my instinctive reactions and actions towards Derrick & Joshua......for whatever it is worth, this I hope will help me.
I do sincerely mean every specific apology below. In letters and e-mails what someone sends is not always received in it's true meaning. There is no sarcasm however there is every word from this parents heavy heart.
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Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for....... never letting you talk about or express your feelings when it came to how I handled things (I thought I knew everything)
Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for ......... playing the "everything's peachy game" your whole childhood. (For some reason everything needs to look perfect in the eyes of others. ????)
Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for........ not taking the time with you that I should've. (I did not know how to put children first)
Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for........ making you feel like you had to be as perfect and logical as I was trying to make myself out to be. (I thought I knew everything)
Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for .........you not being able to smile when you think of me and your past. (I did what I thought was right when in actuality the majority of it was terribly wrong. I thought I knew everything)
Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for ........ not allowing you to feel that it was o.k. to tell me the truth or anything of a matter that didn't go along with what I thought was right. (I thought I knew everything)
Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for......... everything you are going through and all of the unhappiness you have lived and are currently living. I rightfully accept all responsibility for all the crap that sucks in your life. (I thought I knew everything)
Jeremy, I'm sincerely sorry for ......... you being afraid of me and the two completely different people that you feel yourself as. (I thought I knew everything)
I'm sincerely sorry for ........ ruining your past, not giving you what you needed to be happy, complete, whole and the need for "something to give". (I thought I knew everything)
I'm sincerely sorry for ........ all and everything dysfunctional and negative that you lived and learned from me. (I thought I knew everything)
I'm sincerely sorry for ........ the way that your life is and that you must drown it in beer, xanax and weed to numb the pain within. (I thought I knew everything)
I'm sincerely sorry for ....... never having the compassion and understanding towards you as I should've had. (I thought I knew everything)
I'm sincerely sorry for ....... making you feel that "you" had to be perfect and could not be a little happy go lucky child that may ....................
make mistakes, get dirty, spill things, accidentally break something, not want to wear a hat even though "Dad thought you looked cool", break his vacation sun glasses while climbing on the merry-go-round at Disney, not always pose for a perfect picture, not always feel like being in a good mood
or ............
just be a normal child that looks towards his Dad with innocent eyes and the need to learn all he'll need to be a whole, confident, well-rounded, loving, compassionate and understanding husband and father one day himself.
I've always said........"a parents worst nightmares is to loose a child ". With terrible misfortune Tiffaney knows this to be true.
I now add to the above.
"a parents worst nightmares is to loose a child or to ruin a child's childhood
and adulthood.
Jeremy, what I was trying to say the last time we spoke was; you know why you feel the way you do about your life, now you have the power. When you can, take that power and make a conscious decision to make positive steps towards all wellness for yourself and your family. A big reason to change is "Morgan". remember, children learn what they live.
Maybe all of this may be a beginning for you.
I wish you strength to endure and heal the little Jeremy within that did not have his needs met.
I wish you many happy trails in the future and the ability to break the cycle of raising children that may be burdened with parents that were unable to parent with love, compassion and understanding.
I love you.....................
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So there you have it. We are doing better now but the pain is so strong and always there. Like I said earlier though, I believe very strongly that I have no right to push this onto others. There are problems out there people go through that I probably could not begin to imagine. Mine problems still hurt though.
I am going to be a Daddy now. I needed to get this off my chest. Thank you so very much again.
Jeremy
Keep "be[ing] a Daddy" - I'm sure you're a great one.
Thank you for the trust you've displayed in opening up your hurts. I pray that God will help me point you in the right direction and that He'll help you through this. I'm not going to write an actual response to your comment at this time, I've not had the time to really pray over it and it wouldn't be fair of me to take this and answer it on my wisdom. For that reason, all I want to do here is thank you for what you've written and promise to answer you as soon as God gives me His take on it and the go-ahead.
Have a great time with Morgan & Godbless.
Cilla
Why does it feel like God abandons me when I need Him the most yet when everything seems to be going fine I notice Him? I sure could have used Him last night but instead it felt like the devil cut in line and had his way with us. I even consciously knew that what was going on was destructive and I asked for help but it only got worse. After all was said and done I was in tears asking where He was and I didn't feel anything. I know He's doing something but I don't understand why suffering is allowed for lessons to be learned. Especially when the situation is/was as petty as it was last night.
Frustrations inside
Let it go, I want to hide
LEAVE ME ALONE NOW!
On the other hand, your response really shocked me and taught me something. To quote you, "I've not had the time to really pray over it and it wouldn't be fair of me to take this and answer it on my wisdom." That hit me hard, for someone to say they will not answer on their own wisdom but ask that God give them the answers. That is something I would have never thought to do. I always feel like I have the wisdom inside of me already and blurt out what I think needs to be said. Most of the time it works (because of my logical mind) but I have seen it back fire. I just wanted to say I was very impressed by that and I will take heed and remember to try that next time I need to.
I want to address your Thanks for me sharing my hurt. It wouldn't have been done if you hadn't already opened my eyes to so many things. I am so insecure it's pathetic and in my mind guys aren't supposed to be weak, insecure, emotional, etc. So I keep a very tight lock on my emotions to the point it almost damages my relationship with Penny. So since I have done this my whole life there is alot of stuff inside that just needs to bleed out. (No, I'm not a cutter, my stomach is too weak.) Back to the sharing...You make it easy. That's the simplest way of putting it. I have never met anyone that has made it easy.
I need God so bad.
"Why does it feel like God abandons me...? ...Especially when the situation is/was as petty as it was last night?"
Before I start trying to answer your question, I want to reassure you of one thing: God has promised that He will never leave us. Even when we feel like we're alone, He's still there.
I've been in the same place you are now. I know that sometimes things hurt worse then anything we thought we were capable of feeling, nothing is in our control, and we can't for the life of us understand why God (who is supposed to be "all-powerful", right?!) doesn't just step in and DO something.
Jesus felt the same way too. On the cross, he started screaming. He yelled, "My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?!" (Mark 15:34)
The reason, then and now, is that God knows what He's doing. For Jesus, the reason was so that we could be saved. I don't know what the reason is for you - but as I read your email I got one idea. You closed your comment with "I need God so bad". You do. And you've come to see that through the hurt that you can't get rid of by yourself.
I'm not God, and He's not given me the exclusive word on this; but if last night makes you realize just how much you need Him, that will give you more peace in the long term.
Let me tell you a story. When my sister Michelle was a small child (11 years old, as I recall), she broke her arm. My dad took her to the emergency room, and the doctor took him aside. "I can fix this one of two ways." he said. "It's a simple fracture. Either we can go in and operate, put some pins in the arm, cast it, and go back in in six months to take the pins out; or I can twist it back into place, cast it, and she'll be fine."
My dad chose the second option. "Great." the doctor said, "I'll need you to hold her down."
My sister is adopted. Her previous family was extremely abusive. My dad had spent the past several years trying to convince her that he wouldn't hurt her. He knew what this would look like to her, but he wanted to keep her from as much hurt as he could. He agreed to hold her down.
It was just a few minutes, but it hurt my dad badly. Michelle was screaming and crying, begging my dad to make the doctor stop because he was hurting her. She was scared and didn't understand what was going on, didn't know what to do.
That's the situation you're in now. God knows what He's doing, He loves you, and He hates to see you hurting. Sometimes, though, God has to let us get hurt so that we can be saved an even greater pain later. Trust that He loves you and rely on that. He'll bring you through this.
Cilla
*tears*
Thanks
you're welcome.
Spirits very high
God helps and I don’t know why
Please don’t let me go
You know I just thought of something funny. I stopped my blog for fear of someone I know finding my thoughts. I hope you don't mind me moving in with you on your blog, it's kind of already happened. {=0)
*laughing*
I thought I already answered that one? It was a bit odd to start with, but all is A-OK now. *back to guitar*
Godbless!
Cilla
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