isla del sol

I could eat you
like caramel on Ice Cream
but seven times as gladly.

I can taste you
an odd sort of obsession
my head has lost its mind

David's 84th

Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
O LORD Almighty, my King and my God.

I have said things and done things and been things, based on what I heard You say and what I believed You wanted, that cannot be changed and that have changed the course of my life. I am not who I was. I do not yet know what I will be. I know only what You said.

Like Abraham, I have left behind the place and position I held. I have plunged off the edge; I've held nothing back in my search for this thing You promised me. My God, I do not understand. I'm trying to live like I believe. Do not let me be destroyed. Give Your servant wisdom & fill her with Your love. Enable Your servant to understand Your will and to bless those with whom You have set her. My God, make me Joy.

You are my loving Father. Hold us tight.

ACCORDING TO YOUR LOVE

You say suicide is "a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Fools. You don't understand: a permanent solution is exactly what's being sought. Your analysis of the outcome is quite correct. You don't understand the motivation behind the process. You haven't grasped the concept of "end[ing] it all." Faced with a sincere desire for a set course, your mind twists into knots.

"You have so much to live for!"
Haven't you read Paul?

"What about the people you leave behind?"
They'll catch up soon enough.

"You don't know what might have happened."
True, but I know what will.

"Don't you trust God to work it out?"
That's the rub, isn't it? If I claim I trust Him, then shouldn't I wait patiently to see His will? Yes. I do believe He's working it out. I know He'll make it right. I just don't know what "right" is. I don't know what I'm to do.
I'm worn out. I feel isolated, dirty, used, and discarded.
I'm tired.

Oh, please, want ME. My God, my God, I'm tired.

light-lover in a storm

I live like I play soccer
full-tilt, all out, I grin
easily forgetting that
pain hurts, we’re not all God

For myself I care nothing
but I don’t play alone
and if you’re hurt my world explodes
(Life quick-bright-gone, like fireworks)

I play by running harder
falling more and rising faster
caring more about performance
than “harm's way’s” locale

Next day’s sore and limping
Next week’s bruise’d still
but if I pleased you, all is well
and if I’ve failed then

that I’m hurt
doesn’t make the list of my concerns

"You foolish Galatians!! I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive ... by observing the law, or by believing what you heard? Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Have you suffered so much for nothing — if it really was for nothing?"

No. I know that all I am is not enough; is nothing. Anything that's happened or been given me has been because of Your favor and guidance and direction. Anything that will happen will have to be from Your hand. You work it out, Father. You do it; give You glory.

beep ... and glory

My Father, hold tight!

REMEMBER ME ACCORDING TO YOUR LOVE.

Pull me through this and into what You want. Direct clearly. You called me before my birth, knowing all my choices and how many different times and ways I'd be destroyed. You called me. You will bring me through. You will glorify Your Name.

how can I know you
better than any
without understanding?

how can I give you
what I never showed
and hold so much back?

and how can you be
so deep in my heart
and still be distant?

how can I know you
better than any
and still be so confused?

as yet undetermined

the pleasure of response(ability)
through oceans, under waves
in sunlight or without it

'tis education of a sort
that had not e'en been dream't
but it is given freely

erstwhile unknown presence
shifting; make me moan
uncertain skin a fiery. blue.

juxtaposition. What's my life?
please - now who's over-thinking?
and what, praytell, 's your name?

scribbles based on flying

climb a tree to sing on branches
lie quiet on the floor
invisible, Your eyes, Your presence
but tangible; You're here

I sense Your love, Your power rocks me
and in You is all peace
lost in the finding
found in the waiting

confused, but held secure

ragamuffin

Open your arms to me, again. I'm tired. I'm tired.

I miss you. I'm lost. I can't find a home. Please, call me back. Teach me to please you. Be patient with me. I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm sick of not being Joy. I'm sick of not pleasing you. Take it slow with me, please. Want me, please. Can we try this?

"Relax." "Enjoy." I want to be honest. I want to be open. I want to please you. I want you to have me. I want you to own me, to claim me. I want you.

I can't give up this fight. Damn the whole situation - not "idle swearing", as Lewis would have said - I won't give this up. If I give up, I'll believe You lied to me.
Don't let go. Be my Light! Open this door, and do not let it be shut.
Open this door, and send me through it.

a midnight ramble

"If we are faithless, yet He remains faithful." ( 2 Timothy )

'Let it go,' she tells me, 'You cannot hold this as close as you are. It is tearing you apart.' What she says is true, and she doesn't know the half of it. You - my heart, the people I love - I have hidden as much of this as I can from you. Not the facts (those you know), just most of my day-to-day. Why should I hurt you when I don't have to?

For a year now, I've been praying in tears. For a year now, this has been my heart. For a year now, every time I have 'let it go', God has thrust it back into my life and told me to trust Him with it and wait. For a year now, nothing has visibly changed. For a year now, everything inside me has been being ripped to shreds.

I'm the one that prayed for 2 years for a lost dog to come back. I'm the one who prayed for straight teeth because I was afraid of braces. I'm that little nut who wrote You a Christmas letter, asking for a horse I didn't have to pay for, didn't have to feed, didn't have to have on our land, but could ride whenever I wanted. You're the one who granted every one of those prayers. You put desires in my heart so You can have the joy of granting them.

You've never lied to me, Father. You keep pushing me back into this. You know what I believe You've said. I asked You to tell me if I misunderstood. No one has heard stop. Instead, I've been told to move forward, to pursue this as I understand it (but to walk in the Scriptures). I don't understand.

I'm tired. I'm tired, Father. Life has no color, anymore. I can be Joy. I can worship. I am still the bouncy, little being that "everyone knows...[and] loves." When I'm with people, I am the one who comforts and makes jokes. I'm fully alive. It's not an act. I really care, and comforting people has never been based on my strength or wisdom, anyway. When I speak to those who are hurting, I reach out and grab hold of You. It doesn't matter if I have nothing to give. You are always full to overflowing.

When I am alone, I am still alive. I'm just in tears. I weep before Your throne. I fall on my knees and pour my heart out in words or (when they fail me) just in cries or screams or moans or tears. For a year, now, I've been soul-screaming. At first, it was just now and then, on the especially difficult days. Lately, it's gotten more common. This past week, it's been almost every day.

You say not to walk in the "light of [my] own torch." You tell me not to trust the gift, but rather the Giver. I know I could have this in my own strength, just not the way I want it. With one phone call, I could (temporarily) fix everything. I'd just destroy myself and everything I love in the process. I gave it up to You. Then You pushed it back at me. You put me back into this. I'm glad You pushed me into this again, because You've said You're going to redeem it and give it to me in You. I'm just falling apart because I don't see any change. I feel like Elijah: told to pray for rain, sending a servant up a hill seven times. The sixth time, there was still no rain. I'm asking for what You said You'd give! Why is there nothing? Why does everything seem to be moving backwards? But the seventh time, there was a cloud. The seventh time, the rains came flooding in.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. Sometimes, I feel betrayed. Usually, I just want to bury my face in You and weep it all out. I don't understand! I'm hurting! This died; I buried it! Now I can't bury it. I don't want to let it go again. You gave it back to me, alive and whole! You gave it back to me, and I tried so hard to follow what You said! Now, I look at this thing I love and it seems dead again. NO! NO! NO! You gave this to me, living! You didn't tell me, "Stop." You told me, "Trust Me to work it out; Relax; Enjoy!" You don't lie. I'm holding what feels like a corpse, but I can't let go again, Father. It's my life, it's my heart that has stopped living. I let this go once and You gave it back. Do not play with me. You're not like that. Letting this go again would make me feel that You had lied to me. I don't understand! I'm tired! I hurt all through me! Remember what I am. Don't forget me.

Hold tight. Hold tight.
"We do not make requests of You because we are righteous, but because of Your great mercy." ( Daniel )

Desidirata

What now, Father? I keep thinking I've done everything ... then remembering that You're doing everything ... then wondering how much longer, how much more, how much ... well, You know. You do know. Make what I'm trying to be (obedient, free, not overthinking or overstressed, beloved) into what I am. Better still, make me whatever You want.

You told me "relax". I am earnestly trying. You told me "enjoy". That's not a difficult thing. I asked You to unmask me. Everyone knows; no one hears "stop". Instead, my father has dreams, my friends get prophecies, and my church is entranced and supportive. You said "Walk in the understanding you have; remember the Scriptures." I've been walking and praying and walking and crying and walking and spinning - I'm trying.

This is utterly beyond me - You know that! This is only possible if You do it. That's the way You work! I'm tired of thinking I've come to the end of the journey, of cresting the hill and seeing another before me. I can walk - Your strength is limitless - but, Father, this is calling and pulling at my heart. Make straight Your path and teach me to walk in it.

What next, Lord? Give me favor, here. Hold tight!

Yet this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

( Lamentations 3:21-26 )

Draw Me Close

"If the Spirit of God has stirred you, make as many of your decisions as possible irrevocable, and let the consequences be what they will. We cannot stay forever on the "mount of transfiguration," basking in the light of our mountaintop experience. But we must obey the light we received there; we must put it into action. When God gives us a vision, we must transact business with Him at that point, no matter what the cost." ( Oswald Chambers )

Irrevocable
• Cannot be changed in any way by anyone
• Incapable of being retracted, revoked or taken back
• Unalterable; not to be changed or annulled

My father has been having dreams. I've been given prophecies right and left for three years now. I've asked God to be loud, and He's done that emphatically. Now, I've asked Him to be clear, and what He's said is, "Get your house in order; do as I say step by step; I will take care of the rest."

Ok, Father. Hold tight.

tri-sided variables

I wonder what You see, my Father. What are You making that the smile on Your face is so bright, so constant? Your faithfulness is famous, Your extravagance notorious; Your love is marvelously documented from now backwards through to Creation. You are "able to do infinitely more than [I] can ask or even imagine." I can't imagine. I try. You laugh.

This heart of mine is torn, but still I feel Your peace, because I can see Your grin. I know You are doing this; the result of going through this time, the joy You are giving, the gift You are making and sending my way even now, will be amazing. I can't see how all these things mesh - they are separate, opposites, in my eyes. This is my heart.

Be loud for me. Keep me in You. Hold tight.
What do You see? Make it. "Amen".

on bread that falls from heaven

Stop writing. Just pray.
He'll work it out.

There aren't words. This runs too deep.
You had words; they've been deleted.
Things don't happen accidentally when He's running life.

Father, I'm on a limb. I'm happy. I feel Your peace.
I'm uncertain. You're solid. Keep me. Hold tight.

en el espejo

Father - I've been writing and praying and twirling. I've been tearing up or laughing at random. I've been under so much for so long. Yes, I asked You to get me to the point where I'd yield to You. I know that making me something You can completely love can only be done by getting rid of everything that's unloveable, imperfect. You want what's BEST for me, not what's easy.

I want You, whatever that means. There's no hold on me. Pull me into You. This place never made sense to me, but You are solid. I am a spinning ragamuffin; I'm a self conscious nut. I "think too much"; I feel all over the place; I don't like things being up in the air. You're pushing me; keep pushing me. You're changing me; do so!

Just keep me in You and hold me tight.
REMEMBER ME ACCORDING TO YOUR LOVE.

"Mon Dieu, one hopes!"

When I wake in the morning, I feel your absence, but shouldn't. You were never there. I've been gypsy; I've been waif; I've been mustang; I've been wild, unclaimed, untameable. You mastered me. No one else ever managed that. Many want me; no one else can touch me. I push away as hard as I can, testing your strength, seeing if you can hold me. You grab my hand. You pull me into you. I spin off, laughing; your eyes follow. I try to outpace you; your calm envelopes me. "You will not fight me," and I can't. You've mastered me. I want you. I could have you - you've made that clear. Anyone could have you, probably, but - and maybe I'm a fool - I think you think I'm special.

I feel His peace. This ragamuffin soul of mine is strangely unaffected. How can I worry when He is so patently seeking my good? Still, I'm impatient. Everything in me curls into you. You're through and through me; I can't get you out of my head, out of my dreams, out of my senses and emotions. I smell your cologne when it couldn't possibly be there. I wake up and you're in my head. I live my crazy life; then something reminds me of you, and I smile. Still, there's one barrier I won't cross; He won't let me cross it; I cannot cross it. "What fear of mixture while there is yet life?" Everything in me wants you. Everything in me knows that, as things stand, I can never have you. I don't know the result. I don't know the ending. I feel Him; I can't worry; I am impatient.

I want a Yes or No, Father! I want my marching orders, Father! You are my life. You have always been my life; without You I die. I have willed to choose You. There's no hold on me, neither here nor anywhere else. I don't know what wanting this means. I know You're pleased with me; that my thoughts, dreams, wishes, emotions, and longings don't shock or annoy You. I don't want to hurt him. I can't do anything until You answer me, but I want so much to give a clear answer to him. All You say is "Wait. I love you. I will work it out. Wait." How can I wait? I want him, Father! I'll walk away; I'll go if that's what You want, but I want to give him a clear answer. I am tired of being "yes and no"; I am tired of his knowing I want him but won't have him, of puzzling him and giving him mixed signals.

As You have loved me, love him. As You have kept me, guard him. As You have loved me, call him. As You have loved me, answer him for me. As You have loved me, give me his answer. As You have loved me, love me still. Immerse me in You, Father, and remember me according to Your love. I'm puzzled, Father. I am at peace, Father. I'm impatient, Father. I'm happy, Father. I'm insane. I'm so many things.
I love You, Father.
Help.

bronze in the oceans

laugh at me - I really do deserve it - but forgive. reality's a blur for me; it tires and confuses. memories are easily found, old friend, and dreams are much less complicated than thought. we've had fun, have we not? the future is unimaginable; it's not mine to plan. if I consider it, I'm caught; I'm lost. there's so much I don't understand and can't reconcile. nothing but this moment is mine, and in this moment you're not here. today I am happy. today I am lonely. today I am lovely.
today I am insane.

O, Father, remember that I'm a little fool, but that I love You most of all. Claim my heart. You know everything; You have everything; You are everything. Keep me. Hold tight.
REMEMBER ME ACCORDING TO YOUR LOVE.

I'm wearied with reality. I ache with viewing the inevitable. I'm worn with feeling. I'm riddled with apathy. I want - quite simply - to love and to rest. There is so much inside me right now - roiling, recoiling, pushing, exploding - that I am afraid to come into Your presence. You will let it all out, I know. I don't know if I could bear that. There are things inside me that I do not see; when I come into Your presence, they are revealed. They burn me. Like Adam, I want to fall asleep and have what must be removed for Your creation unconsciously evicted. I want to fall into Your arms. I want to drop my guard in safety.
"Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done ..."

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of Your waterfalls;
all Your waves and breakers
have swept over me.

previews of paradise

Naked, but not cold, I stood by the side of a lake and grinned at the beaver that stared curiously back at me. I swam - quick, unprofessional strokes, hampered by my happy laughter - then settled in the water, floating and watching the birds above as they wished the Sun good afternoon. The breeze rippling the water's surface made me shiver, reminding me that January doesn't often pair well with an outdoor swim. Rushes grew all 'round the edge; I waded easily through the silt and water toward the shore. The air was chilly, but this only made me more glad for the maroon towel I'd left on the bank. A brisk rub down got the water off and left me glowingly warmed.

I played wood sprite - dancing along the shore, singing with the birds, curling up on felled trees, and watching as the beaver resumed his patrol. I didn't want to leave, didn't want to pick up the burdens I must carry. Everything of society was packed in a little bag that I'd left under that tree - only my towel and the litter that makes it even to such secluded spaces murmured vaguely of humanity, technology, and normal life.

All things must end (though none need be forgotten) and time saw me clothed, shod, and strolling back to my little apartment, but on my heart's wall a mural had been painted. There was a little lake, a few hundred trees, goldfinches on twigs so slim a breath should snap them, and a lazy, belligerent beaver, slapping the water into geysers - a demigod if ever there was one (or so he heartily believed).

the normal Christian faith

Sent here to find ... what?

You've sent me to find me. You've sent me to find You. You've sent me to learn the ease with which I pick up these masks, postures, words that surround me. I am to become something here, something I do not yet understand. I think I see the beginning.

I have become disgusted with what I've been becoming; I want to change it. I forget, but I catch myself forgetting more often than I used to. I'm beginning to understand what the concept of getting one thing because you want another more means. "Have as not having" is starting to make sense. I do not see how all these things mesh together. You've started showing me that seeing all would overwhelm me even more than not seeing has.

I feel as though I'm in a battle with myself, that I must overcome myself before I can even begin to step into You. I have been through so much and lived through it; I have withstood things that I didn't think were possible. I am strong. How, then, do I take this strength and subject it to You so that it can really be free? Your weakness is stronger than my strength, Your foolishness wiser than my wisdom, but until I push through the end of me I cannot reach the beginning of You. Still, I know what I want to be.

I want to be Joy. I want to have joy so palpably in and on and through me that it rubs off on everyone around me. I want to please the people I love and to make strangers smile. I want to be honest. I want to be real, regardless of what it makes people around me think. I want to stop caring what people think about me and start caring about people again. I want to love him, and him to love You, and I want You to want that. I want to find You and get lost in You. I want You to be pleased with me, and I want to feel Your pleasure.

Not so long ago, I was sitting on my bed, asking You what You were doing. I talked about how I had lowered myself into me and stayed out of Your way as You worked Your will in me. I talked about feeling betrayed. I talked about feeling pushed and hampered and annihilated. Then I heard what I was saying; I realized what part of me was talking. "I'm dying - kill me," remember?

I need to "die" before I can be "resurrected". I need to lose sight of myself in You before You can show me who I am. If I keep only my strength, I will not be able to face what is before me. I need Your strength. To get that, I need to have You in me. For You to be Lord, I can't be. Get me there.

I'm dying. Kill me.