"Mon Dieu, one hopes!"

When I wake in the morning, I feel your absence, but shouldn't. You were never there. I've been gypsy; I've been waif; I've been mustang; I've been wild, unclaimed, untameable. You mastered me. No one else ever managed that. Many want me; no one else can touch me. I push away as hard as I can, testing your strength, seeing if you can hold me. You grab my hand. You pull me into you. I spin off, laughing; your eyes follow. I try to outpace you; your calm envelopes me. "You will not fight me," and I can't. You've mastered me. I want you. I could have you - you've made that clear. Anyone could have you, probably, but - and maybe I'm a fool - I think you think I'm special.

I feel His peace. This ragamuffin soul of mine is strangely unaffected. How can I worry when He is so patently seeking my good? Still, I'm impatient. Everything in me curls into you. You're through and through me; I can't get you out of my head, out of my dreams, out of my senses and emotions. I smell your cologne when it couldn't possibly be there. I wake up and you're in my head. I live my crazy life; then something reminds me of you, and I smile. Still, there's one barrier I won't cross; He won't let me cross it; I cannot cross it. "What fear of mixture while there is yet life?" Everything in me wants you. Everything in me knows that, as things stand, I can never have you. I don't know the result. I don't know the ending. I feel Him; I can't worry; I am impatient.

I want a Yes or No, Father! I want my marching orders, Father! You are my life. You have always been my life; without You I die. I have willed to choose You. There's no hold on me, neither here nor anywhere else. I don't know what wanting this means. I know You're pleased with me; that my thoughts, dreams, wishes, emotions, and longings don't shock or annoy You. I don't want to hurt him. I can't do anything until You answer me, but I want so much to give a clear answer to him. All You say is "Wait. I love you. I will work it out. Wait." How can I wait? I want him, Father! I'll walk away; I'll go if that's what You want, but I want to give him a clear answer. I am tired of being "yes and no"; I am tired of his knowing I want him but won't have him, of puzzling him and giving him mixed signals.

As You have loved me, love him. As You have kept me, guard him. As You have loved me, call him. As You have loved me, answer him for me. As You have loved me, give me his answer. As You have loved me, love me still. Immerse me in You, Father, and remember me according to Your love. I'm puzzled, Father. I am at peace, Father. I'm impatient, Father. I'm happy, Father. I'm insane. I'm so many things.
I love You, Father.
Help.