How Great Thou Art

Today I'm somewhat upset with Gar. I've never been that before. Really, I shouldn't be now, he's not done anything intentionally, but I am being pathetic and childish inside even if I'm not showing it.

I'm so easy to hurt that it's pathetic. No, that's an exaggeration. Saying that I'm a very easy mark for those that I love is much more accurate. Why? Simply because I don't expect to need a shield around the people I trust. I'm an easy mark because I wear no armor. I refuse to - why should I need it? I suppose that - in some ways - I trust people too much; but then, I only trust a select few. I'm barely learning to be open with others. This dichotamy within me seems to go on ad infinitum. I'm tired of it, but this is who I am.

I used to like it when Gareth was protective, even paternal at times, toward me. Then he informed me that he didn't want "us" anymore. The problem is, Gar has always been really good at sending confusing signals. He's too nice for his own good. He tells me that he wants to be "just friends"; but tells me to keep the medal that (he said when he gave it to me) symbolized that he'd always be my best friend, that he'd put everything into our friendship, and that he'd always be there. He tells me to keep the locket. He tells me to keep everything. I wish that if he was going to hurt me, he'd do it in a mean way that would let me justify the pain I'm feeling inside. He's too kind to do that, but now I feel rather guilty about being pained/angry that he's left me. I know better. Crud, I've been dreaming about this man since I was four years old. I've always loved him in my dreams, even before I met him. That's why I asked Sue, "What's his name again?" I knew that I knew him. I couldn't take my eyes off him, I knew I'd seen him, somewhere. I knew that he meant something to me.

The thing is, in my dreams, he's always left. I've always been left searching for him. In one of my most common dreams he's the only one that I can trust. I wander through this huge building, avoiding everyone else, trying to find a way of contacting the one safe spot in my world. I hated that dream, but at the same time I loved it because in the beginning I was special, I was safe, I was loved.

In real life, I have done nothing I regret. I kept God in control. I gave my friend and his life up to God. I don't know what's going on, but God does. I've been in places that hurt like this before and God has always used them for good. I can trust Him to do the same again.

Lord, take from me whatever needs to go. Leave only what You want inside. I trust You. One thing, Lord...please take care of the people I love. Don't let them get hurt. They mean everything to me. Thanks, Father.

Crash -- 12 Stones

As I find truth where I found it times before
As I search for your hope, I'm finding so much more
And I try to be more like You
So I deny myself to prove my heart is true.

And I feel like I'm falling
Further every day
But I know that You're there
Watching over me

And I feel like I'm drowning
The waves crashing over me
But I know that Your love
It will set me free

Bitter -- 12 STONES

Before I face another day
Won't you let me stay asleep,
Lost among the dreams that always comfort me
And before I find my feet
Won't you show me what I need
What I need to walk again

This bitter pill is pushing me away
And now I feel like there's nothing left to say
And I pretend to look the other way
But in the end will I be okay?
Will I be okay?

I don't know why I'm listening to this song right now, but I like it pretty well (at least thismorning!) and so the playlist that's blaring from my speakers today includes it.

On to a completely different topic: I know the people who attacked me, my friends, and my God are hurting; but somehow I've been wondering inside exactly why they hate so much. I've also wondered why they couldn't have come across someone more saintly then little me - who felt like tearing their heads off when they started attempting to hurt the ones I love. I was even stuck weighing out whether or not it would damage my witness too terribly to rip into them and tell them that they are poorly educated, cannot spell, and couldn't find a logical argument if they searched with both hands and the yardsticks they've got stuck up their backsides; citing examples from their own correspondence and journals.

I can't do that. The very fact that I wanted to showed me how much I've been relying on me to take care of problems. I wanted to protect my friends and keep them from getting hurt when THAT IS NOT MY JOB! My job is to protect them insofar as I can, naturally, but it's not to make their lives perfect. Trials strengthen faith and God has the whole situation well in hand. I need to remember that and follow His advice.

I wish so badly that these folks would stick to talking rationally and not be so devoted to baseless taunts. We might have got somewhere then! All they wanted to do is attack the nearest Christian; that happened to be me. After their rants had little to no affect beyond turning us into evangelism mode, they ran. I don't mind debates, in fact I rather enjoy them, but I despise dirty fighting. I can't understand the logic and motivation behind these people. They want everyone to tolerate, accept and even revere them for their beliefs (although they are the minority) and then, at the same time, they want everyone holding different beliefs to be verbally assaulted or even physically shot.

This annoys me. I wish I could come across clearly to them and make them understand that all I want is to talk with them. They don't want to be proven wrong (concerning both their preassumptions about me and about my faith) and so they won't even get into an elementary discussion. I want to say that people like this aren't worth my time; but something inside reminds me that if they're worth God's very life they're surely worth a little of time and frustration on my part. He died for them as much as He did for me. If He hadn't rescued me I'd probably be in the same place as them.
Lord, help.

good day

God, You've got to help me out. I'm getting too proud o'here. It's a good thing that people being mad at me doesn't bother me much anymore, but I prefer being crushed under it to looking down my nose at the person who is insulting me. I keep on getting hit with the "facts" that I'm better educated/can spell/don't resort to insults/am right and although I keep all this hidden (especially when it comes to Shelly), I feel the difference inside me. This isn't how You want me behaving! Every time I realize I've done it I get this dirty feeling inside my heart and I feel like I've swallowed something distasteful. Lord - free me from this. I've tried and I can't.

I was able to get together with some dear ladies at the church last night and they prayed with/for me against something that has been attacking like crazy: depression. Sometimes I get so tired of fighting this old foe off; but I remember what it was like to have "him" around every day and the constant watchfulness required to plead the protection I have under Christ against him is more then worth it. I had reached the point where I was knuckling under, but God worked it out so that I could get prayer and the result is that I feel free today - I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Also, God placed a couple of words on Dottie's heart for me and those were very uplifting. It's such a comfort to me to know that not only will God pull me up into His lap and cuddle me when I need it, He'll put it on people's hearts to come over and pray for me when I feel too tired to lift it up anymore. Thanks, Lord.

I'm happy today. Not everything has been perfect, but then I'm not perfect either and I probably shouldn't expect my life to have nothing wrong with it 24/7/365! I've a little left to get done this evening, but it's of the sort that will be simple, if long, work and I'm looking forward to it.

The reasons I read classics...

"Memory is not what the heart desires."

A sad truth, but a truth nonetheless. Who wants only memories - even happy ones? A happy memory can give a great lift to sorrow; but all too often this short pull to "higher heights" ends in a free fall when the happy thought brings to mind the reason memory is no longer reality. Far better, in my mind, to have things for real.

But what is life without memories?

Scream
Ejaculated from my mouth
A jumbled geyser rips out
Through everything I am

She hit the nail on the head, you know...

"All true histories contain instruction; though, in some, the treasure may be hard to find, and when found, so trivial in quantity, that the dry, shrivelled kernel scarcely compensates for the trouble of cracking the nut. Whether this be the case with my history or not, I am hardly competent to judge. I sometimes think it might prove useful to some, and entertaining to others; but the world may judge for itself. Shielded by my own obscurity ... I do not fear to venture; and will candidly lay before the public what I would not disclose to the most intimate friend."

This adequately states my case.

smiling heart

I love my family. God has blessed me with such an incredible family that I am daily amazed by it. Right now I'm overflowing with that.

Yesterday was rough, but God brought me through it and then brought my family home to love on me, cuddle me, give me attention, and just be my family. I loved that.

It is amazing to me that, despite my constant fluctuations of emotion, God gives me a constant core of peace. Even if I feel lonely, afraid, or just low, God has put something inside me that keeps me level-headed and peaceful deep inside. He's gotten me to the point where I can fall on my knees, doing what I call "soul screaming", and still know that God is in control and that He's got it covered. That is a blessing to me, because my personality style is very emotional.

The I that dominates my personality style gives me the talkative, bouncy, huggable, and charismatic elements that make up "me"; but it also bequeaths a wealth of easily stirred up emotions. Thank God for the S and C that balance out my style at home and among loved ones, giving me my love of order and stability, the loyalty I try so hard to fulfil with my friends, the value I place on relationships, and the rationale that helps me out of fixes many times a day.
True, I'm also stubborn, periodically an emotional nutcase (typically on the inside, not the outside), lazy from time to time, sometimes freaked out by minor things, and both shy and extroverted by turns - but God's still working on me!

Thank God for my friends and for my family; their love and support has helped to keep me afloat even through the hardest times. Every time I think of the people I love, I get this warm glow all around my heart. I am so blessed to have all these wonderful people in my life; loving me despite my failings. God bless them all.

Thanks, Father

Daily grace for daily pain
Over and over, again and again
You fill me up when I ask You to
Change out the old, replace it with new
Love and peace, hope and faith
I feel each one as it takes its place
I stand back in awe, I cry and applaud
Thus do I thank You, my Savior-God

sibling rivalry

Sometimes, I wish we didn't even know her. No, I'm being far too strong there, let me rephrase. Sometimes, I get tired of having to stand beside the swimming pool that is Michelle, holding a one cup measuring cup full of the kindnesses that take the place of water, pouring in and pouring in and never getting anything back. At times, I feel like I've got the whole Grand Canyon to fill up before I'll ever get even a "thank you" in return. It's hard.

Right now, she's throwing a tantrum with Mom and Dad because they've made her put Bradley to bed at his bedtime instead of letting him stay up till 11 with us. She was literally screaming at them and telling them what awful people they were and how they're trying to control every aspect of her life. Lord, I know this is a spiritual attack and I thank You for helping it to cool down once we started praying against it; but can't I be a little ticked off with her? No. That's the last thing she needs. Crud, Lord, I can't forgive her without Your help. Please help me here.

Why do we have to deal with these outbursts? And why does she have to take everything personally?

Last night, her son (who is very happy and easygoing when she's gone, but knows she'll let him get away with anything he wants and therefore throws tantrums more often then any child I've ever met when she's home) was playing with a LEGO shark. Because he knew she was home, he started screaming when it wouldn't do what he wanted it to. The misfortune in this was that he began his tantrum in the same room that Jon was reading in. I walked in and asked Jon what had happened. Bradley had, by that time, run from the room. Jon was had started telling me when Michelle yelled for Jon to stop bothering Bradley. (she had not gotten up from the kitchen table or seen anything that happened)
I answered that Jon had not bothered Brad, that he was just reading.
Michelle didn't listen.

The whole thing ended when she came in, got in Jon's face (a little less then 1 foot away) and began yelling at him. I literally stepped inbetween the two of them and ended it by saying something to the effect of "Jon didn't do anything." (a bit more conciliatory then that)
Michelle hasn't physically pushed me around since I was 4 and she slapped me (my earliest, and only, childhood memory of her), so I wasn't expecting any non-verbal lacerations. She left the room and started talking with Ethan, trying to get him to agree with her that I stick my nose in everything and am a...well...nevermind. Ethan did the right thing and kept his mouth shut. I am proud of him for that.

I will not let her bully my baby brothers. She can put me down all she likes, I'm usually able to brush most of it off because it's just the way she treats people, but Jon and Chris get deeply hurt by that kind of thing. I can't stand by and let that happen; and I won't.

Lord, I can't figure out how to love her. It's like trying to kiss a great white - I can't even get close before I'm being ripped apart. It hurts. I try so hard and then she throws a monkey wrench in the gears, effectively cutting off anything I was trying. I end up trying to figure out the way that will get her the least mad at me.

Well, I guess I did pray for my patience to be worked on, didn't I?
Help us to love her Your way.

writing my heart on paper

Branded by the fire, stand before You now
I fear You will reject me, kneeling low
Lightning, thunder, great outcry screams below
Who comes to claim me; the cause of this row
Needing Your defense, can You this allow
Watch my life flowing out, feeling nothing so
I ask who can stay this, rise sure but slow
Call out; claim Your life and blood; cry aloud

You die for me, will I accept Your gift
Am I Your child or is there still a break
Between Your holiness and my disgrace
I will trust You now as You close the rift
Look down from above; blood-water forms lakes
This is Your love song; tears run down my face

Hey, Lord?

I want to go deeper
But I don't know how to swim
I want to be meeker
Be a help to the strong
I want to run faster
But this old leg won't carry me
I want to be, I want to be

And maybe I could run
Maybe I could fly to You
Do You feel the same
When all I see is blame in me?

And the wonder of it all
Is that I'm living just to fall
More in love with You

Today I am tired, Lord. Sustain me, please.

Dreaming

I'm sorry for needing you to carry me
So simple, sometimes, when you're standing next to me
You never change
You never stay the same
Like a picture-perfect sunrise, every time
With one last song to sing

Take it all away from me and
Tell me how you want this to be
I want you
I need you

-----------------------

"The dreams you've had sound really interesting!"

Yeah, incredibly interesting. I love being shot, raped, tortured, chased, threatened, or abandoned. I love seeing this over, and over, and over, and over again in my wonderful repetitive dreams. I love having to remember to pray, every single night, that God will protect me from those so that I will not have them. I love forgetting to pray and having to deal with dreams that sap my strength and make me wake up and bite into my beanbag because I am only half-awake and so freaked out that confuse it with my attackers. I love dreaming and seeing you, hugging you, talking with you, and then waking up and realizing it was just that - a dream. It's just peachy.
I've told you about some of my dreams, but others I kept from you. You always did the same for me. We were each protecting the other from our own personal nightmares. Did you know that in one dream I have been having my entire life, I'm just looking for you? I meet you, we talk for a while and hug, then you leave. I spend the rest of the dream running through corridors and being alone in such a huge crowd of people. I hate the aloneness, the abandonment, that I have always felt in that dream.

Interesting? No, not really.

Dang it, Gar, will you quit not knowing what to do? Please?! I'm hurting enough without all this, ok? You've done enough. You helped me through enough. If you want out; go. Quit hurting me, please.

You talk one minute and disappear the next. You treat me like everyone else. I'm so tired, Gar. I'm so tired and right now I feel so alone. Part of me is glad that you're better. The other part is ripped up because I don't know what you want from me. I know you're just trying to protect me from getting hurt, but ignoring me isn't helping me at all. You want to be my friend, right? Or is it too uncomfortable for you? Will you just tell me and get it over with?! I have accepted and can even rejoice now that you have found someone who shares your vision for life, who will support you and love you forever. I just can't figure out what to do with you, because you don't treat me like a friend.

You treat me like you don't know me. I realize that you're trying to distance yourself, but is all this really necessary? Can't you trust me to lean on God and listen to Him? You did that once, did that change to? I don't understand. I feel like I've not only lost the "you mean everything to me" part, I've also lost the dear friend that supported me through so much. I can deal with the first part, but the second is ripping me apart. I don't let many people in this far, why can't you make up your mind what you want? Why can't you just tell me?

Stupid British reserve.

the praises of unclean lips

Lord, help me. I know I asked You to use me, but why do I have to mess up and hurt people when I'm representing You? You know how much I hate that. I don't understand.

Your laws are to protect us. They have always kept my heart straight, they have always kept me from doing stupid things. It's not just a tradition, it's because of the relationship I have with You, and You tell me what's right.

Why does his hurt make me hurt? I don't even know this guy. I consider him a friend, but why on earth should I hurt like this, just because I've disappointed someone I don't even know? Just because someone is confused? Why did You make me with this heart that hurts for everyone, even when they're probably not hurt? Why do I rejoice with people I barely know, just because they're happy? Lord, I don't want to be a skinflint, but my heart is such an easy mark that it's pathetic. I cry for people I don't know, I pray for 6 years for a dog to come back home.

You listen to me though, despite my littleness. You bring back my dog, You hold me tight, You use me despite the fact that I don't know what I'm doing. All I know is Your Word, and that I only know because I've been taught it from before I could talk. Lord, help me. My wisdom isn't enough. I don't have the strength to tell people anything, I don't have the wisdom to put things rightly, I don't have the ability to touch people's hearts. Sometimes I don't even know what's right in Your eyes. I need Your wisdom, Lord, and I need Your love. The love you wrote about in Corinthians: patient, kind, never envious, never boastful, never proud, never delighting in evil but always rejoicing in the Truth, always protecting, always hoping, always perservering, and never failing. I need You, Lord.

Thanks.

"Rest, cause I know You're faithful..."

Most amazing of all is this: God listens to the smallest prayer.

He gave me friends when I asked for someone to trust.
He gave my brother Chris the computer he's prayed for so long today. It's Chris' birthday.
He has used me more then I ever thought He could, right when I didn't think He would.
He has pulled me through harder times then I ever thought I'd face.
He has made Himself real to me.
He let me ride horses for free, whenever I wanted, just like I asked Him a year before He gave it to me.
He straightened my teeth so that I never needed braces.
He let me make peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for the homeless when I asked to.

The list goes on forever. Thanks, Lord.