rambling

Ethan's got Regionals this weekend, which means that we're heading out even earlier then usual tomorrow. North Carolina should be reached by early evening and we'll be at my brother's house in time for dinner (which is a good thing, since we're the guests of honor). Spend the night, head for Charlotte, I forget where the actual competition is but we've got a lot of visiting to do in between now and then! The Desloges are high on the list and I think we've got the actual competition on Saturday. Back here by Monday.

Everything is a lot lighter around the house. That's the only way I know to describe it. I'm still figuring out where I'm at with God - so often I feel like a baby Christian. I'm on fire one minute, and then I mess up so badly the next or (and this is worse to me) I just don't care. One thing I'm incredibly glad about is the fact that it is eternally impossible for me to doubt His existance, otherwise I might be in a fix from time to time. However, even during the times that I've been "lukewarm", all I've got to do is brush my teeth or look in the mirror and I am given irrevocable proof that God is real and still moves miraculously. Thanks, Lord.

La musica Christiana esta trista

But I won't be afraid
Just because you don't need me
I will not be ashamed
Just because you don't believe in
Anything that I say
Now I turn and I walk away from you
I won't fade away
I won't fade away again

(Fade Away -- 12 STONES)

On Christ the solid Rock I stand...

As the people who know me say: I'm an extremely accomodating person. I get along with people, hug everyone I even remotely know, and can talk (or type) a mile a minute when given the opportunity.

Imagine then, me - the person that doesn't stop hanging out with people unless (a) they attempt to kill, rip apart, or put on welfare my family, (b) they are perverts who try to make me untrue to my standards, or (c) they openly tell me they hate me - having to stop loving one of very few people I trust, for no good reason. It's pretty hard.

God's helping though. There's this hole inside that's slowly being filled, but I didn't lose all of me, because God had me all along. There's such security in that - to have lost everything and still be able to have more then that. Yeah, it hurts sometimes, but I've determined to call the grieving to a halt. I've been slowly (but surely) coming out of it, now I've got to start moving forward.

Be strong & take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Why are no Christian holidays celebrated anywhere near the correct dates??

If you put mozzarella, chicken, chopped onion, and a tad of garlic salt together on some toasted Italian bread, you get something that tastes delicious and necessitates the use of Listerine multiple times during the day. Eat it too often and you'll also get high cholesterol - but who under the age of 30 worries about that?

I had a good, long chat with God last night. There are so many things I don't - can't - understand. I feel like I've lost so much, but at the same time I've gained a good bit too. So much in my life has needed to change just in the past few weeks. This has caused a lot confusion in my personal life. One manifestation of that confusion has been my being completely oblivious to what day it is. My studies would have suffered if I wasn't able to keep abrest of them with relatively little concentration and effort. *laughs ruefully* I need to snap out of this.

On the bright side, I've been reading the Bible more. Not as much as I need to, but more. Also, I had Dad send me a ton of stuff on Apologetics and I've been periodically weeding through that - this is the kind of stuff I love doing. The hardest thing I'm facing is feeling lonely. Not full time, but sometimes I'll be sitting at my desk and I'll feel like crying. I miss my friends, I miss the people I love, and I miss being loved not as one of many, but as the only one. I have this incessant need inside to be special, to be singled out. I miss talking with close friends, I miss hugging people and just hanging out. God helps ever so much with that. He keeps me afloat. To quote Kutless, "It doesn't feel the same / And I'm feeling down / Amidst my pain / I see all my shame / And I'm feeling dry, but who am I to complain / I'm still free / You've set me free".

One thing I really love about God is the way that, when He promised He'd give peace and joy, He meant it. He knows exactly what friends to keep as strong supports in my life, He knows where I need to lean on Him. It's a really great thing to feel safe.
Lord, keep helping me through this.

"to give the reason for the hope you have"

I was talking with a friend this afternoon, and the question, "How reliable is the Bible?" came up. Not for the first time, I've had to go back through everything I've been taught on this subject. I actually think I became pretty confusing during the explaination. I began to talk about the Talmudists (the Israelite priests who copied the Old Testament, known by the Jews as the "Talmud"). This can get rather confusing even when you're sitting through a four hour seminar. The rules they followed go on forever. "No word or letter can be written from memory", "Wash your entire body and put on full ceremonial dress before sitting down to write", "Should the king address you while you're writing the name of God, take no notice" - I went through several of these laws.

I think that I got a bit carried away! Everything I said was true, but I should have covered more bases. I should have talked more about how the reliablity of the Bible as has been conclusively proven. I should have said exactly how many words of the Bible are in question (200,000 words), explained how when "textual variations" (e.g. "One and only son of God" changed to "Only son of God") and spelling differences (e.g. a city or a person's name spelled differently in various parts of the Bible), that number drops dramatically (to 400 words). 400 is 1/2 of one percent of the words in the Bible.

I should have talked about how the Bible is the only book that has prophecy in it (aside from the Koran, which does have one prophecy. Mohammed said that he was going to return to Mecca. He then turned around and walked to Mecca.). I should have given the example of the city of Tyre (The Bible prophecied that it would be thrown into the midst of the sea, that it's surface would be scraped to bare rock, and that it would be a place used to spread fishnets - Ezekiel 26:4-5. All this happened. Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon conquered and tore down the city. Alexander the Great had the all the ruins put into the sea so that he could cross to the other island/city. It's bare rock and fishermen still use that spot to spread out their nets to mend and dry.). Instead I harped on the Talmudists like it was going out of style.

Sometimes I'm incredibly glad that God is the one that's God and that my mistakes don't mess up what He's doing.

Slightly confused, but at peace.

People are fighting
Emotions reach all time high
Lord, where's the way out?

-:-:-:-

It's Him.

The part I hated most about it was that I love them both so much. I didn't know how to comfort the one without putting down the other, and I wouldn't do that. Thankfully, God helped me out. He reminded me to pray, and I offered. The offer was refused, but Mom and I prayed and Shelly joined silently. That was a real blessing.
Father, what are You doing?

Bullet Points

• There is a use for haiku. They're wonderful tools for condensing emotion into 17 syllables; this making it easy to analyze and work with/around what's inside. The hardest part is writing the little boogers.
• The inferiority complex I struggle with is just a check on my habitual (though almost entirely unconcious) "I'm better then you" attitude. My vanity and pride need a vacation. A long one. In fact, can we just Fed-Ex them to some third-world-country and forget about them? I am so sick of (physically/spiritually) having my nose in the air one moment and wishing it would completely change shapes (or just pop off) the next.
• Perfect organization is impossible. Not only that, it's painful. Get used to it and learn to appreciate small imperfections.
• The importance of friends cannot be over-rated.
• God is God. I'm not. (i.e. this is the right state of affairs, because I'm not the one that's SUPPOSED to be in control!). He knows what He's doing. Yes, He planned this. He did not single me out just to see how long I can suffer. *grins* He loves me. And I love Him back.
• "I am a nobody, sent by Someone, to do something." God doesn't make mistakes.

bittersweet

I woke up this morning around 5.30 and lay awake until I heard someone in the kitchen, at which point I literally bounced out of bed and commenced my chatterbox routine!! Spent most of the morning in wonderful spirits and my pjs. Having played a couple video games as pathetically as I usually do, I was happily bubbling on about something when Krys came in and pinched me. I have to admit that I was almost a week behind (honestly believed today to be the 13) and so spent a few minutes kicking myself for forgetting your birthday before Nia, Krys, and Patrick subdued me and promised that I could send an e-card. Having sent it, I've been in a fine mood all day and really happy.

I'm really glad someone told me what day it was. I would hate for you to think that your telling me that I can't be your best friend has completely stopped our friendship. Today is really a bittersweet day for me, because it's the first birthday you've had since we met that I've not sent you something and called you just to talk. You're not as "emotional" as I am and it's possible that you wouldn't even have noticed if I didn't tell you happy birthday; but I am so glad I don't have to use that as reassurance for completely forgetting what used to be the most important day on my calender. I'm sorry for not sending a present on time, Gar. I really hope you stop feeling guilty quickly, because you're a great friend and I'm missing you a lot.

I accidentally ran across an email you sent last year that I'd failed to delete. Reading it, well, it hurt. Only a short little email saying something in the way of "thank you just for putting sunshine in my day", etc. Sometimes I wish I could change the past, or even just the future, you know? God's got me, but I still wish that you wouldn't just entirely shut me off; that you'd still talk to me occasionally. I thought we'd agreed that the friendship was too important to lose just because it would need to change? It really hurts when you shut me out, Gar. God knew what He was doing though and I ended up singing along with a song that "happened" to come on just as I was starting to feel low: D. O'Donnell's The Greatest Love ("There was a time when I was sad and lonely / In my distress I called upon the Lord / He heard my cry and told me that He loved me / Now I'm not sad and lonely anymore").

I'm back in a fine mood (not my usual usage of the word "fine"! Translate this one "really good") guitar went well and I'm safely home. I spent the past 19 hours all over Jax. Probably the most memorable incident occured after we'd been "jamming" at home. We went to Starbucks (where I managed to mispronounce "gauge" during a polite conversation with some guy about his earrings...how did I do that??!) and got a laugh out of the way the guy behind the counter couldn't decide which of the three of us he should stare at. If the whole event hadn't been so comical it would have been annoying. We got an free mocha frappachino out of it though (too many ingredients mixed in was what he said), so that was nice. I'm in a very good and highly random mood right now. Hmm...rather than re-type this a bjillion times and ways, I think I'll paste and paraphrase the first and last paragraphs into LJ. Huzzah.

rewritten completely 3 times

Have you ever had someone walk in on you when you were in the middle of doing something that suddenly became extremely embarressing simpy because somone else was there? Changing, taking a shower, ect. - remember that feeling?

I found yesterday that someone else reads this journal. My first reaction went something like, "Oh crud! Someone read THAT?!"
All in all though, it's not a bad thing. Yes, it makes it a little harder to be totally honest; but since I have no clue who the guy is, it's not as hard as if Joe (for example) had stumbled across the right URL.

Right ho then - back to writing once or (at the max) twice a week here and spending the rest of the time at my other journal. Oh & Cilla - don't act.

Something to think about

There's really only one thing I seriously dislike about having my window blocked up: that there is no light. Right now I feel like I've been locked away. I've been fighting with depression and anger and I've had a regression in watching my weight since the beginning of March; all that has combined to get me to where I am today.

Today I am tired of living for myself. Today I am tired of listening to God 75% of the time and giving in to satan's attacks for the rest of it. Today I am tired of lying by my actions if not by my words. Today I am tired of being so selfish. Today I am tired of my pride and of my feeling inferior. Today I am sick and tired of being human.

Thank God, there is a way out. All I need to do is turn to Him and really mean it. How do I do that? I'm not 100% sure, but I want to learn.

ouch

It really hurts, Gar. I've got peace, but I've still got to go through this grieving process, because I've lost my best friend. You're leaving me. That hurts more then anything else because, even though I knew it might happen, you'd convinced me that it wouldn't.
Everything has changed. I can't even sleep the same way, because I can't "hug". I can't wake the same way, because I can't wish you "goodmorning". I can't call you "my Gar". I can't say that I need you or that you mean everything to me. I have to keep rebuking these silly things telling me, "Well, you both said you weren't good enough for each other, but I guess you were the one that was right, huh, Cilla?"

No matter what I can't have you as, I pray that you'll consider me a friend. Right now, this hurts, but God will get me through it. Once He does, while He does, I want to have you as my friend. I still believe that God made us friends; and I don't care who you marry as long as you're really honest with me about what I am. If I'm nothing to you, then I'll go. If you want me to stay as your friend, just tell me.

a glimpse of my mind today

• I know that God is awesome beyond my comprehension and that, compared to Him, I'm less than nothing. Why then do I feel so comfortable treating Him with familiarity?
• Given that all my friends are as mature as they appear to be and that most of them are (a) older then me by at least 2 years, and (b) on par with me mentally/emotionally; what am I?
• If I am as mature as many people see me as and yet can see so many areas that need a great deal of work in my life and am severely disappointed in myself quite often -- what is the rest of society like?
• Why, even though I know my struggles and failures, do I sometimes get so prideful?
• What's changed to make me love some people so much that, even when I'm angry, I can't stand being away from them? (whereas I used to be a lone wolf)
• What is God's definition of Truth?
• How can I give myself up completely?
• How is it possible for me to love someone and at the same time take them for granted?
• What three things should I focus on changing & growing in?
• Why, when I've given God control over them and have tried so hard to be patient, do I have a such a hard time waiting for things I really want?