tri-sided variables

I wonder what You see, my Father. What are You making that the smile on Your face is so bright, so constant? Your faithfulness is famous, Your extravagance notorious; Your love is marvelously documented from now backwards through to Creation. You are "able to do infinitely more than [I] can ask or even imagine." I can't imagine. I try. You laugh.

This heart of mine is torn, but still I feel Your peace, because I can see Your grin. I know You are doing this; the result of going through this time, the joy You are giving, the gift You are making and sending my way even now, will be amazing. I can't see how all these things mesh - they are separate, opposites, in my eyes. This is my heart.

Be loud for me. Keep me in You. Hold tight.
What do You see? Make it. "Amen".

on bread that falls from heaven

Stop writing. Just pray.
He'll work it out.

There aren't words. This runs too deep.
You had words; they've been deleted.
Things don't happen accidentally when He's running life.

Father, I'm on a limb. I'm happy. I feel Your peace.
I'm uncertain. You're solid. Keep me. Hold tight.

en el espejo

Father - I've been writing and praying and twirling. I've been tearing up or laughing at random. I've been under so much for so long. Yes, I asked You to get me to the point where I'd yield to You. I know that making me something You can completely love can only be done by getting rid of everything that's unloveable, imperfect. You want what's BEST for me, not what's easy.

I want You, whatever that means. There's no hold on me. Pull me into You. This place never made sense to me, but You are solid. I am a spinning ragamuffin; I'm a self conscious nut. I "think too much"; I feel all over the place; I don't like things being up in the air. You're pushing me; keep pushing me. You're changing me; do so!

Just keep me in You and hold me tight.
REMEMBER ME ACCORDING TO YOUR LOVE.

"Mon Dieu, one hopes!"

When I wake in the morning, I feel your absence, but shouldn't. You were never there. I've been gypsy; I've been waif; I've been mustang; I've been wild, unclaimed, untameable. You mastered me. No one else ever managed that. Many want me; no one else can touch me. I push away as hard as I can, testing your strength, seeing if you can hold me. You grab my hand. You pull me into you. I spin off, laughing; your eyes follow. I try to outpace you; your calm envelopes me. "You will not fight me," and I can't. You've mastered me. I want you. I could have you - you've made that clear. Anyone could have you, probably, but - and maybe I'm a fool - I think you think I'm special.

I feel His peace. This ragamuffin soul of mine is strangely unaffected. How can I worry when He is so patently seeking my good? Still, I'm impatient. Everything in me curls into you. You're through and through me; I can't get you out of my head, out of my dreams, out of my senses and emotions. I smell your cologne when it couldn't possibly be there. I wake up and you're in my head. I live my crazy life; then something reminds me of you, and I smile. Still, there's one barrier I won't cross; He won't let me cross it; I cannot cross it. "What fear of mixture while there is yet life?" Everything in me wants you. Everything in me knows that, as things stand, I can never have you. I don't know the result. I don't know the ending. I feel Him; I can't worry; I am impatient.

I want a Yes or No, Father! I want my marching orders, Father! You are my life. You have always been my life; without You I die. I have willed to choose You. There's no hold on me, neither here nor anywhere else. I don't know what wanting this means. I know You're pleased with me; that my thoughts, dreams, wishes, emotions, and longings don't shock or annoy You. I don't want to hurt him. I can't do anything until You answer me, but I want so much to give a clear answer to him. All You say is "Wait. I love you. I will work it out. Wait." How can I wait? I want him, Father! I'll walk away; I'll go if that's what You want, but I want to give him a clear answer. I am tired of being "yes and no"; I am tired of his knowing I want him but won't have him, of puzzling him and giving him mixed signals.

As You have loved me, love him. As You have kept me, guard him. As You have loved me, call him. As You have loved me, answer him for me. As You have loved me, give me his answer. As You have loved me, love me still. Immerse me in You, Father, and remember me according to Your love. I'm puzzled, Father. I am at peace, Father. I'm impatient, Father. I'm happy, Father. I'm insane. I'm so many things.
I love You, Father.
Help.

bronze in the oceans

laugh at me - I really do deserve it - but forgive. reality's a blur for me; it tires and confuses. memories are easily found, old friend, and dreams are much less complicated than thought. we've had fun, have we not? the future is unimaginable; it's not mine to plan. if I consider it, I'm caught; I'm lost. there's so much I don't understand and can't reconcile. nothing but this moment is mine, and in this moment you're not here. today I am happy. today I am lonely. today I am lovely.
today I am insane.

O, Father, remember that I'm a little fool, but that I love You most of all. Claim my heart. You know everything; You have everything; You are everything. Keep me. Hold tight.
REMEMBER ME ACCORDING TO YOUR LOVE.

I'm wearied with reality. I ache with viewing the inevitable. I'm worn with feeling. I'm riddled with apathy. I want - quite simply - to love and to rest. There is so much inside me right now - roiling, recoiling, pushing, exploding - that I am afraid to come into Your presence. You will let it all out, I know. I don't know if I could bear that. There are things inside me that I do not see; when I come into Your presence, they are revealed. They burn me. Like Adam, I want to fall asleep and have what must be removed for Your creation unconsciously evicted. I want to fall into Your arms. I want to drop my guard in safety.
"Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done ..."

Deep calls to deep
in the roar of Your waterfalls;
all Your waves and breakers
have swept over me.