alone again, again alone

Thank God I have both mind and heart. The latter can be completely confused and worked up while, thanks be to Him who is my Joy, I understand that He is in control, how and/or if my emotions are mixed up, and - typically - what my course of action should be. I'll not say that I'm always happy with what He wants me to do (or even that I know what it is 100% of the time), but He didn't just stick this crazy, loving, longing heart in me and give it no guidence whatever.

He's teaching me a lesson that I have consistently begged off in the past: that I need Him more than I need people. I hate this lesson, because learning it involves losing the support of those close to me. That He knows what He's doing, I never question. That I need to learn this lesson if I don't want to end up abusing or being destroyed by my love of people, I have seen firsthand. That I can live with Him alone, I have done, yet still cannot really get my heart to believe. The problem is that I love people in general and specifically those I trust, but all save my family are more than eight hours' drive away from me.

Simply stated: I like touching those I love. A lack of people I can touch or just be myself around creates an emptiness in me. With the people I love, I tend to express myself physically - hugging, messing with hair, holding a hand (or finger!), or simply pressing a shoulder in comfort - and (if they're not near me) I miss this.

Dang it! I'm surrounded by bubble-people! I can't even look someone in the face for more than the conventional four seconds without their flinching! I know so many people, I have a small number I love, and I can't seem to touch hardly anyone - not even a handshake! This - in case you cannot tell - troubles me.

Lord, I know that I am stubborn. You know me; You know how much I have always hated this lesson, and You have put it off for my sake before. I know that I need to learn it, but, Father, I really don't want to. "Give me an undivided heart." Let me follow You, give me the strength to do what I know You want me to. Give me the grace to obey.