Dating ... is not an evangelistic exercise.
When I started college two years ago, I made a commitment to myself: that I wasn't going to date at least until I'd finished with my four-year-degree. I know myself; I know that, in that type of relationship, I tend to give my heart quickly and thoroughly. I know that I hate waiting and that my "love language" is physical. I know that I can't get married until at least a few years after college. Knowing that, I made my choice.
It's a decision I haven't had any trouble with...until just a little while ago. Now, I have a dear friend who's made it clear that he wants to be more than a friend. I want him. I want him as friend; I want him as more. I can't have him - I've told him as much (albeit in a jocular manner). Still, he's a great judge of character & motives, and I've never been good at hiding from friends. It isn't fair of me to show him that I want him and not tell him why I won't have him.
I need to talk about this, and I avoided it yesterday because...well, because we were just getting back on our feet. I hurt him, I know I hurt him, when my answer to his teasing, "So - you want to date me?" was simply, "No, not really." That was obvious. We were having a good time yesterday. I didn't want to spoil it. I want to keep this friendship - to break the jinx I've had on non-dating relationships with guys. We've known each other for years now. There have only been six people in my entire life that I've considered "Friend". This man is one of them. We consider the same things important; I respect him and I care a lot about him. He's the type of friend that, if I disappear for a few years and then materialize on his doorstep, will welcome me in as we pick up exactly where we left off: with coffee, a bike ride, and a long talk. That means a great deal to me.
I can't play with his head.
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