I am a terrible invalid. I don't lie down, I don't keep quiet, and I am easily discouraged (at which point I become clingy, but tend to hide that). I feel peevish and self-centered and sorry for myself, but I try very hard not to show it. I hope I do a good job at that.
I want to be better; I want everyone to feel sorry for me; I want the people I love to think I'm wonderful; I want to be left alone; I want to be held; I want to be able to think again; I want to stop hurting; I want to look good; I want to sleep; I want to feel something - to come out of this groggy state I've been in for two days now; I want my friends; I want to go cycling; I want to take Bree to the beach; I want to know what car I should get; I want to wake up and find out that this whole silly thing was a dream.
God, this place is so confusing. I want and do what I know You don't want and I don't want, and that bothers me. I keep thinking that I'm doing better at this following You thing, and then something like this happens and I realize just how fallible I am. I find myself biting back words and being moody and achy and wishing I was dead instead of being grateful that You got me through a wreck that everyone agrees should have killed me.
I'm sore. My brain is clogged. My whole body aches, but nothing hurts seriously enough to demand medication. I want You, God. I wish You'd just taken me home, where I wouldn't have to deal with all this and worry about my choices and failings and successes and what they all mean. Give me rest, help me.
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