"take the phone off the hook & turn the light off"

Father, I have come to the end of me. I have nothing left to give.

Good. Welcome to the beginning of Me. Take what I give you. Give that. Walk in Me, in My strength. You will never come to My end.

spongebob squarepants

Fill me, then, with Your presence. Immerse me in Yourself. You call Yourself "living water" - what does that make me? A fish, surrounded by Your presence as the framework of my world? A sponge, soaking You up and releasing You onto anything against which I'm pushed? A fish doesn't feel wet, but take it out of the water and it will throw a fit. A sponge will only soak up so much water before being sated, but it can be bone dry and brittle.

I'm so easily distracted, Father. I try to fill Your place with other things - things that, even as I stuff them into the time I spend with You - feel inferior. They don't satisfy my soul, but they do give me pleasure. My spirit cries out to You; I feel the lack of Your presence; I sense the difference between happiness and joy. Still, I push to be allowed to make my own way - how foolish! I want to drag You along my path instead of holding Your hand and walking along the "unfamiliar paths" You want me to travel. I want Your love and approval; I just don't don't want to do what You say.

God, You created me with this love of people. Don't let me put them in Your place - every love made into a god becomes a demon, destroys itself. It's only when I love You first and all others deeply and through You that I can keep the people I love. I love them, God. I love them very much. Help me love You more. Help me listen AND obey - not just hear and then forget. Help me want what You want.

Sun Tzu -- The Art of War

"The art of war teaches us to rely not on the likelihood of the enemy's not coming, but on our own readiness to receive him; not on the chance of his not attacking, but rather on the fact that we have made our position unassailable."

My Awesome God

He's so good to me. So incredibly good far beyond what I can even imagine. And, when He pulled me into His arms last night and let me spend over an hour just pouring out my heart and being strengthened and finding Him and really praying - listening to Him and talking with Him and seeing Him answer and being told things I couldn't know that, when I looked into them, were true - I finally understood why I have to stay down here at least a little longer, and that He will be my strength.

And then I woke up this morning and the large amount of pain I was in last night had just disappeared in about five hours. Today I'm more or less back to normal! Even my foot (which had been swollen) has gone down and looks almost entirely well (just a little bruise on my third toe).

He's so awesomely good to me.

adrenaline's a wonderful thing

I am a terrible invalid. I don't lie down, I don't keep quiet, and I am easily discouraged (at which point I become clingy, but tend to hide that). I feel peevish and self-centered and sorry for myself, but I try very hard not to show it. I hope I do a good job at that.

I want to be better; I want everyone to feel sorry for me; I want the people I love to think I'm wonderful; I want to be left alone; I want to be held; I want to be able to think again; I want to stop hurting; I want to look good; I want to sleep; I want to feel something - to come out of this groggy state I've been in for two days now; I want my friends; I want to go cycling; I want to take Bree to the beach; I want to know what car I should get; I want to wake up and find out that this whole silly thing was a dream.

God, this place is so confusing. I want and do what I know You don't want and I don't want, and that bothers me. I keep thinking that I'm doing better at this following You thing, and then something like this happens and I realize just how fallible I am. I find myself biting back words and being moody and achy and wishing I was dead instead of being grateful that You got me through a wreck that everyone agrees should have killed me.

I'm sore. My brain is clogged. My whole body aches, but nothing hurts seriously enough to demand medication. I want You, God. I wish You'd just taken me home, where I wouldn't have to deal with all this and worry about my choices and failings and successes and what they all mean. Give me rest, help me.

Worthy is the Lamb

He's pushing me. He's pushing me hard, but He's pushing me into Himself, so being pushed is something I can have peace in. It's amazing to me that, even while I'm not sure what on earth is going on, I can find peace in Him. Thank God for Himself.

My entire plan for the next two years (and through those two pivotal years, much of my life) may just have been rocked off its axis. I don't know much anymore. Technically, it's been a terrible day: I've failed something major with bearing on FSU, I got and therefore had to replace a flat tire, and I don't know what I'll be doing for the next two years.

But God. I'm too small to mess up my life. He has a plan for it. He's never failed me. He loves me so ridiculously much that, when I start to pull away, He shoves a snare in the works to bring me to the only place I'm ever truly happy: His feet, His arms. He gives me peace. He is life. And then He had the people at Panera give me free coffee.

Thank You for the cross, Lord
Thank You for the price You paid
Bearing all my sin and shame
In love You came and gave amazing grace

Thank You for this love, Lord
Thank You for the nail-pierced hands
Washed me in Your cleansing flow
Now all I know: Your forgiveness and embrace

Worthy is the Lamb, seated on the Throne
Crown You now with many crowns
You reign victorious
High and lifted up, Jesus, Son of God
The darling of Heaven, crucified
Worthy is the Lamb

There is no one like You!

I woke up at 4:30AM last night. Just woke - no reason, no drowsiness, one moment asleep and the next completely and totally alert. "It's too early - it's too dark." I got my phone, saw the time, and rolled back over to get back to sleep. As I settled in on my right side, something or someone very deliberately poked me in my upper-left thigh. I jumped! I reached round behind me and searched for the cat or the dog or the finger that had jabbed me. I found nothing.

This made me very nervous. I lay back down. I was jabbed again. I searched again, but I knew now what it was. I felt like Samuel. God wanted me to pray, and He was willing to poke me out of bed until I hit my knees to do it. I rolled out of bed quickly, knelt, and found my soul surrounded.

I'd been telling Him (and myself) that the reason I've not been praying as much is because I don't have anywhere to do it alone. I have been praying, just not as much. I have been reading, just not as faithfully. I have been praising, but not with my whole heart. I'd begun to push Him away, and I was desperately unhappy about that. I'd been begging Him, using scripture, "according to Your love remember me!" - not according to what I am, but according to what I want to be, according to how much I want to follow Him even when I don't want to. He loves me so much, even when I'm a mess. Oi, I'm so grateful for that. I'd been begging Him to give me back my love of worship. I'd been begging Him to give me back my all-consuming love of Him. I'd been begging Him not to let me go. He answered.

He met with me last night, and He's still here this morning. I can feel His presence, and I'd been missing it so badly. I love Him. I love this almost physical sense of His presence: His peace, His joy, His love. I keep bursting out (quietly - some folk are still asleep!) into praise songs; I can't help myself - my God is here! He's listening to them! I can feel the attributes I'm singing about all around me!

This is real life. Nothing else compares. Nothing else is even worth comparing.
I am alive. He is Life. This is awesome.

happiness is Easy Cheese and a box of wheat crackers; joy...is bigger

My name was given, not chosen. My parents prayed seperately, then came together when they'd both been given the same name: Priscilla Joy. You can mess around and get a few different translations, but essentially it means "inherent joy". That name defines me; it's defined me since before I understood what it meant. Because it was given, not chosen, it is me. And yet - because it was given, not chosen, because it is God's plan for me - I've had to fight to keep it. I get pushed into depression or frustration or cynicism or just wanting to be well liked and I begin to lose what I am.

I don't want that. I'm sick of it. I want to rejoice in Him. I want to share that peace and joy with everyone around me. I want to love people. I want to serve. I want to forget how I look and how insane I must appear and just revel in my God and in everything He's put around me. I want to stop caring what everyone - even my dearest friends, my heart - thinks about me and what a little nut I am. I want to stay connected to Him; to never lose my love for Him. It's only in Him that I am joy - when I leave Him I let other things affect me and then I become just like everyone else. It's just not worth it. He satisfies me. He gives me joy in and with everything so that I enjoy life and don't fear death. Without Him, everything pales. I can't enjoy anything to the extent that I do when I can laugh with Him. He makes me...me. He's life, and life's nothing without Him.

Ach, enough, I'm off to bounce and grin with one of my dearest friends. Did I mention that I spent this afternoon crashing cars? Amazing explosions...wonderful thing to do before going swimming. Apparently, I'm an old-style Victorian lady...

what was said last night

"You know, she has a double portion of anointing?"

"You are one of His favorite daughters."

"You're not going to recognize yourself; you'll be a new person. Parts of you must die, are dying, and the wonderful thing is that you are choosing that. You won't recognize yourself, even in your mind, and the reason will be that it is Him living in you."

"You're something special."

"I knew what she meant. God spoke to me and He said, 'You have two daughters. You love the one who has chosen to disobey, to ignore you, you know how much it hurts when she refuses your love. But you have another daughter; one who loves you and goes out of her way to obey and trust you, and you know what a joy it is to bless her."


God, help me choose to obey, to die, and to love You. This is what You've called me to; this is what You have for me. Help me obey.