sunshowers

I think one of the things I like best about Opie is that I can use and talk about big words with him and not feel pretentious.
Meandering...trepidation...anomaly...bludgeon...meh...

My head is jumbled today. I am happy; I am at peace; I am excited; all this contributes to my cluttered mind and generally hard-to-focus thought life. Friends flash through my mind; scenarios join them; I walk in a dream world, yet everything is true. Going to the college, earlier today, was a good move. Even though I didn't accomplish what I'd wanted to, I saw Drew, and that is a good thing. There aren't many people I like well enough to be friends with that I don't need to constantly guard against their thinking I'm in love with them or vice versa. Opie, Drew, and (obviously) the Farquahar sisters just about cap the list. I needed to hang out with one of this sort today, and God worked that out. He's awesome that way.

It is going to rain. The sky is gray and white and an even, powdery blue; there is wind waving the trees and the tall grass; the squirrels are rushing about, looking for cover. I cannot write. Instead, I retreat back into myself, into my dreams, and rest.

alone again, again alone

Thank God I have both mind and heart. The latter can be completely confused and worked up while, thanks be to Him who is my Joy, I understand that He is in control, how and/or if my emotions are mixed up, and - typically - what my course of action should be. I'll not say that I'm always happy with what He wants me to do (or even that I know what it is 100% of the time), but He didn't just stick this crazy, loving, longing heart in me and give it no guidence whatever.

He's teaching me a lesson that I have consistently begged off in the past: that I need Him more than I need people. I hate this lesson, because learning it involves losing the support of those close to me. That He knows what He's doing, I never question. That I need to learn this lesson if I don't want to end up abusing or being destroyed by my love of people, I have seen firsthand. That I can live with Him alone, I have done, yet still cannot really get my heart to believe. The problem is that I love people in general and specifically those I trust, but all save my family are more than eight hours' drive away from me.

Simply stated: I like touching those I love. A lack of people I can touch or just be myself around creates an emptiness in me. With the people I love, I tend to express myself physically - hugging, messing with hair, holding a hand (or finger!), or simply pressing a shoulder in comfort - and (if they're not near me) I miss this.

Dang it! I'm surrounded by bubble-people! I can't even look someone in the face for more than the conventional four seconds without their flinching! I know so many people, I have a small number I love, and I can't seem to touch hardly anyone - not even a handshake! This - in case you cannot tell - troubles me.

Lord, I know that I am stubborn. You know me; You know how much I have always hated this lesson, and You have put it off for my sake before. I know that I need to learn it, but, Father, I really don't want to. "Give me an undivided heart." Let me follow You, give me the strength to do what I know You want me to. Give me the grace to obey.