Lord, I'm tired. I want so much to help people, but many of them don't seem to want my help. I want so much to be kind to people, but when I do they seem to throw it back in my face. I try so hard to get things done, but I end up achieving the opposite of my goals. I try to give the whole thing to You and end up holding on to the majority myself.
I have seen so much that You've done, so much that You're doing. I'm amazed by that, amazed by You. Lord, You are such a comfort. Thank You for always being here and for allowing me to lean on You more then anyone else, for understanding even the pettiest of my annoyances and for loving me despite all my failings. Thank You for taking the garbage in my life and carrying it Yourself. I give You my tiredness, my arrogance, my annoyances, my inabilities, my self righteousness, and my love. Help me live for You.
G'night, Abba.
Feb 28, 2005
It's lovely outside
We're in a period of great spiritual attack. My whole family knew this would happen when Michelle came, because with her came the spirits that have attacked her throughought her life: Contention, Anger, and others. I'm having a hard time focusing and I've had a harder time struggling with my temper (this being the reason for a rise in journal entries chronicaling my progress with it).
I could really use some prayer and any invitations to leave home would be greatly appreciated. Shoot, if some of my friends would just come over, it'd be nice. In the meantime, prayer is the major thing my family and I need. Peace and joy are fast becoming rare commodities.
I could really use some prayer and any invitations to leave home would be greatly appreciated. Shoot, if some of my friends would just come over, it'd be nice. In the meantime, prayer is the major thing my family and I need. Peace and joy are fast becoming rare commodities.
Feb 27, 2005
thinking
I first started to try to get back with God because I needed to help people. Then I realized that I needed God more then I did people. After that, I started to realize that God provides the people when I do my best to follow Him. Once I realized this, I was amazed to see that I value the relationships I have more then ever before, just because they were given to me by God. Every friend I have is such an incredible blessing to me; and I seem to be getting more all the time!
I'm surprised by this quite regularly because it's often a struggle for me to get along with other people. There are two reasons for that. Reason One: although I'm very outgoing, I'm also the poster child for "Private: Don't Ask". I'd learned that it's wise to test people before trusting them. The funny thing about this is that I took it to the extreme (because I was relying on myself and not God to provide my friends). I've finally learned to trust again, and even though it's a battle for me, God is more than faithful.
The second reason is that I have a very volitile temper. I've had to learn, over many years of "screwing up", to keep it in check. Not everyone that gets me mad (so I've found) was trying to, the world is NOT out to get me, and it is more then possible for God to teach me to keep my cool. I'm still in the stage where I need to pull what my mom thought for ages was a "pacifistic, self righteous look" so as to keep from losing it, but I've learned. Mostly. *grins*
Regardless of how well I keep my temper, I'm still fighting with my Self over what I get annoyed with. Little things seem to bother me more then big ones, for example: I find it easy to laugh or roll my eyes when someone takes out their frustration at something else on me; but my sister and her 2-year-old son moving into my room is hard for me to handle. The messes they make just by existing and the fact that I can't have rule and reign in this space from 5AM to 11PM annoys me more then a punch in the face would! God's still working on this & it's been much easier then I thought it would be, but prayer wouldn't hurt!!
In any case, thank God for my friends and, oh, by the way - did you know that my Gar is coming home in 8 days?!
I'm surprised by this quite regularly because it's often a struggle for me to get along with other people. There are two reasons for that. Reason One: although I'm very outgoing, I'm also the poster child for "Private: Don't Ask". I'd learned that it's wise to test people before trusting them. The funny thing about this is that I took it to the extreme (because I was relying on myself and not God to provide my friends). I've finally learned to trust again, and even though it's a battle for me, God is more than faithful.
The second reason is that I have a very volitile temper. I've had to learn, over many years of "screwing up", to keep it in check. Not everyone that gets me mad (so I've found) was trying to, the world is NOT out to get me, and it is more then possible for God to teach me to keep my cool. I'm still in the stage where I need to pull what my mom thought for ages was a "pacifistic, self righteous look" so as to keep from losing it, but I've learned. Mostly. *grins*
Regardless of how well I keep my temper, I'm still fighting with my Self over what I get annoyed with. Little things seem to bother me more then big ones, for example: I find it easy to laugh or roll my eyes when someone takes out their frustration at something else on me; but my sister and her 2-year-old son moving into my room is hard for me to handle. The messes they make just by existing and the fact that I can't have rule and reign in this space from 5AM to 11PM annoys me more then a punch in the face would! God's still working on this & it's been much easier then I thought it would be, but prayer wouldn't hurt!!
In any case, thank God for my friends and, oh, by the way - did you know that my Gar is coming home in 8 days?!
Feb 26, 2005
Does anyone else do this publically??!
I'm being attacked about my looks again. Kicking myself, for absolutely no reason really. I'm really bad with this. I keep on forgetting that God is in control, keep on leaving myself open to attack in this area in particular. I always wanted to be the perfect person, look great, love whoever I wanted and have them love me back even if it was just because of how I looked - all this unconsciously. Thus, I look at myself in a mirror or on my webcam and think, "My gosh, Cilla, who could ever like you? You look awful. You look like a kid. You look stupid. It only gets worse when you smile, you know." Then I think about it and realize that it's not me thinking this. The truth is that God gives me my friends. The truth is that whoever God wants to love me, will. The truth is that God made me exactly the way He wanted to, and most of the time I happen to like the way I look, thank you.
In any case, all this was the preface. I'm turning on the said webcam and writing a description of me, just because I'm sick of what satan keeps saying. So, from head to toe, here goes one of my most random posts yet.
Objective description of me:
I'm little (5'3"), but I've always liked that because it makes me look almost as cuddly as I am. My hair is pretty short, about to the bottom of my shoulder blades, dark brown with a bit of red in it. My face is an unusual shape, almost oval but with cheekbones that sometimes make it look square. My eyebrows are one of my main forms of expression, even though I can never get them even and they're rather thick for a member of "the fair sex". Steely blue eyes that get lighter if I cry. Average ears (pierced), little chin, and eyelashes about as long as they come. The inside of my mouth takes after my mom's - I've got big, straight teeth. The outside is more like Dad's, bigger lips that curl into a smile naturally.
My shoulders are broad and I've always been strong in my upper body. Arms are proportionate to everything else. I don't like my hands that well. I'm inclined to think that my fingers are too short for their width. I have a nice "tummy", or will once I finish losing the 8lbs that look more like about 10 or more because of my height. I've got nice legs and my feet are small but more or less good looking, even though my toes aren't as long as I sometimes think they should be. Dad says I'm well proportioned, Mom says everything fits. Michelle says I could get any guy I wanted; but she's thinking one night stand and I'm going for forever. That's me.
In any case, all this was the preface. I'm turning on the said webcam and writing a description of me, just because I'm sick of what satan keeps saying. So, from head to toe, here goes one of my most random posts yet.
Objective description of me:
I'm little (5'3"), but I've always liked that because it makes me look almost as cuddly as I am. My hair is pretty short, about to the bottom of my shoulder blades, dark brown with a bit of red in it. My face is an unusual shape, almost oval but with cheekbones that sometimes make it look square. My eyebrows are one of my main forms of expression, even though I can never get them even and they're rather thick for a member of "the fair sex". Steely blue eyes that get lighter if I cry. Average ears (pierced), little chin, and eyelashes about as long as they come. The inside of my mouth takes after my mom's - I've got big, straight teeth. The outside is more like Dad's, bigger lips that curl into a smile naturally.
My shoulders are broad and I've always been strong in my upper body. Arms are proportionate to everything else. I don't like my hands that well. I'm inclined to think that my fingers are too short for their width. I have a nice "tummy", or will once I finish losing the 8lbs that look more like about 10 or more because of my height. I've got nice legs and my feet are small but more or less good looking, even though my toes aren't as long as I sometimes think they should be. Dad says I'm well proportioned, Mom says everything fits. Michelle says I could get any guy I wanted; but she's thinking one night stand and I'm going for forever. That's me.
Feb 25, 2005
happy
In looking back over all my posts (less than a dozen, shockingly enough), I've realized that I use this journal mainly to talk to/about Gareth. I think the reasons for that are
Gar left in December for a 3 month trip to the Ukraine (HE'S COMING BACK IN 10 DAYS!!! This is truly exciting. *grins*). I'm positive that his trip was God's will; although I still can't figure out why Ebenezer (the organization) sends people from various countries, pays for their housing and food, and then hires interpreters to go everywhere with these recruits and explain what they're saying. I have a hard time getting around the notion that it'd make more sense to raise money in other countries, pay the interpreters' room & board and send the interpreters (who're already running about up there) through the Ukraine. I'm sure Gar will tell me the full deal when I ask about it(in a much more polite manner then I've done here, because I really don't want to offend anyone - and especially not him - by being too forthright; plus the fact I'm really only slightly curious about this business anomaly). I can't say how much I'm looking forward to talking with him again.
It's blown my socks off that, during these past few months, I've had a much easier time of it than I ever would have imagined. I've missed Gar a lot, but my struggles have been dealt with by God and He's always made sure that "my Gar" was there when I needed him. The thing is, God has had me lean on Him first and then given me Gareth to cheer me up afterward. It follows by rote that this has been a real training period for me. I've been hurt a couple times, I've been discouraged many times, and once or twice my old "friend" Depression has tried to rejoin my company. God had everything well in hand every time and dealt with things as quickly as I asked Him to. That's been an incredible blessing to me. I've learned how to fight battles and to not lean on Man (literally :p ) before leaning on God.
It's great to have loved ones, and they're put in our lives to support us, but not every problem is a "run to so-and-so, they'll give you God's word on it" fiasco. God can, and does, speak for Himself. Also, I've had reinforced the lesson that God is the one who gives friends and who works it out for me to see them WHEN IT'S HIS PLAN. He knows how much I love people and how dearly I value friends, and there's never been a time that I've needed a friend and been alone. I'm really looking forward to everything God leads me into & to seeing what doors He opens before me.
- I've told no one but Gar about this journal, and
- Gar forgot the URL for this journal.
Gar left in December for a 3 month trip to the Ukraine (HE'S COMING BACK IN 10 DAYS!!! This is truly exciting. *grins*). I'm positive that his trip was God's will; although I still can't figure out why Ebenezer (the organization) sends people from various countries, pays for their housing and food, and then hires interpreters to go everywhere with these recruits and explain what they're saying. I have a hard time getting around the notion that it'd make more sense to raise money in other countries, pay the interpreters' room & board and send the interpreters (who're already running about up there) through the Ukraine. I'm sure Gar will tell me the full deal when I ask about it(in a much more polite manner then I've done here, because I really don't want to offend anyone - and especially not him - by being too forthright; plus the fact I'm really only slightly curious about this business anomaly). I can't say how much I'm looking forward to talking with him again.
It's blown my socks off that, during these past few months, I've had a much easier time of it than I ever would have imagined. I've missed Gar a lot, but my struggles have been dealt with by God and He's always made sure that "my Gar" was there when I needed him. The thing is, God has had me lean on Him first and then given me Gareth to cheer me up afterward. It follows by rote that this has been a real training period for me. I've been hurt a couple times, I've been discouraged many times, and once or twice my old "friend" Depression has tried to rejoin my company. God had everything well in hand every time and dealt with things as quickly as I asked Him to. That's been an incredible blessing to me. I've learned how to fight battles and to not lean on Man (literally :p ) before leaning on God.
It's great to have loved ones, and they're put in our lives to support us, but not every problem is a "run to so-and-so, they'll give you God's word on it" fiasco. God can, and does, speak for Himself. Also, I've had reinforced the lesson that God is the one who gives friends and who works it out for me to see them WHEN IT'S HIS PLAN. He knows how much I love people and how dearly I value friends, and there's never been a time that I've needed a friend and been alone. I'm really looking forward to everything God leads me into & to seeing what doors He opens before me.
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