belleza salvaje

There's something to be said for maintaining a chronicle of one's thoughts across the years: one can go back and see who was and who is. It's like taking time-progression photography to your soul: the changes of a year unfold in seconds. What's unchanged stands clear, almost strange contrasted with a hundred sudden outbreaks.

Unchanged: my love of people, outgoing shyness, need to be special, inward focus, dislike of being proven wrong, addiction to You, and desire to know (any and everything, but especially myself and what I OUGHT to do - what is BEST).

Changed: my self-doubt (specifically per appearance), posting of prophecies/spiritual victories, belief that doing right = safety, confidence that I am Right, expectation for instant returns, and much of my selfishness.

You have made me quieter - more gentle. You have made me pay attention to what they are saying - You've made me feel more deeply. You've taught me never to lose my temper, to apologize for what OTHERS think or feel about my actions (not just give them my reasons for acting). You've broken my self-righteousness - You've shattered me into understanding.

I am gracious, because of Your grace toward me. I am confident - two parts to this: everyone around me amazed, and Your statements that their amazement or lack of it means nothing. I am gentle, because You rebuilt the Me that shattered on a very different plan.

Once upon a time, I offered You all of me.
You were very clear that I would suffer. You asked if I would change.
I asked if You'd be with me. You said You'd never go.

Today, I see You in me ... and I see Me.
So much of my faith is so broken. I am so tired of holding on to promises You gave me that I have seen die and be brought back to life until each new miracle is just another reason to fear that the corpse that's now again my living child will die tomorrow in my arms. Yet, in spite of that feeling, I have consistently seen You involved in my life in solid, incontrovertible, and amazing ways. I have seen You present and active. I have watched each time time these dreams die, and I have seen You bring them back to life.

I am learning Your truth: You take the raw materials and put them in the furnace.
We melt to nothing; then and only then can You take what is and make what is to be.
Refined by fire, was was is nothing like what will be: You turn rough ore to silver.

Everything I am is changing / has changed. But that's okay.
You know, just like You knew, and You will never leave.
You will make me/break me/change me. At the end, everything You see in me will be.
And I'll be remade whole once I've been fully broken.