yaweh elokeynu

I had forgotten that You are not bound and immobile. I didn't remember that You love making new highways. I never understood what "the foolishness of God" meant. You never told me "Why" before. You usually told me "What" before. I have never been unable to trust my own ears when You've told me something; I have rarely asked for others' prayer. All the things I did before were things that brought me praise in Christian circles -- accepted, tried, true, proven. I have never done something that I couldn't find a Biblical or Christian Folklore example for.

I've been the type of Christian that gets admired and petted and feted, that everyone wants to be like and no one wants to live like or pray like or weep like or be torn in pieces like. I was proud of that, wasn't I?

Then You said "Don't feel bound by other people's expectations or even what you have wanted and expected for yourself." Now, my world is topsy-turvy. All I can understand is that I desperately need to keep with You, because nothing else has held. I've realized that my foundation wasn't You, it was the things I'd learned ABOUT You, the things I knew about what You've done BEFORE. That is shattered now - not because it was faulty or untrue, but because nearly three years ago (when I did not understand) You told me "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. Look and see, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up - do you not perceive it?" ( Isaiah 43 ) As I look back, I realize how almost laughably accurate Your timing is. Now, You have told me to listen to You for direction for each moment. Now, You are doing something I do not understand, something I am deeply afraid of and have an incredible longing for.

Father, I don't have the strength or wisdom or courage or self control or experience or love or persistence or willingness or obedience to do this. I don't even know what "this" is. Hold me tight. Be loud for me. Remember me according to Your love. Make of me what You want. Do with me what You want. Live in and out of and through me.