to bow and praise You

I've been reading C.S. Lewis again: The Problem of Pain. I'd needed reminding. Lewis wasn't perfect, but he wrote in a way that I can understand, that I can relate to. When he talks about God's humility in wanting me even when it's because everything else I have is falling apart, has gone, and I can grasp nothing else, it makes me stop, put the book down, and think.

Pain - that horrid thing that I love and hate because it always brings me back to His feet, but it brings me back in tears. I want to learn to sit at His feet in joy! To bring Him into my strengths! And sometimes He lets me do just that, but, so often, when I don't NEED His strength desperately, I want to use my own. He slides, so gently, out of my thoughts. Life fades into sepia tones. I stop twirling and singing; I worry about what the people around me think of me; I begin looking critically at myself in the mirror, forget to eat, and rarely get enough sleep. I become what I hate: a self-absorbed, loudmouthed, callous individual with a longing for people and a superior inferiority complex - ever so proud of my humility.

Then I lose something. It's amazing what clarity pain brings. He holds His arms out to me as I turn and look up at Him - wide eyes, puzzled brow, tears flowing - "Ouch." Suddenly the sham shows itself for what it is: a glittery cardboard mock-up of Cinderella's castle - Sleeping Beauty in her chloroformed glory, centuries of dirt and cobwebs piled round, in cursed oblivion.

I came to this world with nothing. Nothing that is based only here can be brought out of it again. He shatters me because only when my blinders are broken can I see His face - and if I can't see His face, I will never see anything worth seeing. His glory is the light by which everything else becomes visible.

I ended up in 1 Corinthians 1 (because I love symmetry, I suppose), reading about wisdom, foolishness, strength, and stumbling stones. I ended up remembering that He takes things that are nothing and makes them worthwhile. He takes me - silly, little fallible nut that I am - and makes me loveable. And I love Him for it.