rambling

If I look good, I'm going biking tomorrow. Depending on how good I look, I might drag the swimsuit along too...but probably not.

I am lonely, Lord, and yet I have friends. Not many in here, in fact, only one here and that one the one I must guard against. I do a horrible job of guarding, Father. Either I guard agaist this or a lose yet another friend. And yet, I hate guarding.

You made me myself. Help me live like You want me to....Daddy? I really want to look good tomorrow. I'm getting rather lost in all this. I feel like I've slid into one of those huge t-shirts I'm so emphatically fond of. Usually the feeling of being a tiny being lost in billowing folds is comforting, but, at the moment, I don't know what I'm wrapped in, and that confuses me. I don't want to lose another friend. I want to keep my friends; they mean a lot to me. Help me learn this lesson.

I give You my words and actions - help me, Daddy. Protect me, the way that You do when I'm driving. Guide me, the way that You do when You have me act in Your Name. Comfort me, the way that You do when I'm crying. Support me, the way that You do when my world falls apart. Help me, the way that You do because You love me and made me who I am, with all these nutty moods and poses and loves and confusions. Give this friend to me, the way that You gave me the front parking space at the beach this morning, despite the fact that the entire parking lot was filled, just because I asked and because You love me. Give this friend to me as friend, but You take them first and wholly, and, God, please take them and make them whole.

choosing sides

"The issue is not whether God is on our side, but whether we are on God's side."

- Kenneth Kuanda

When I make Christ a means to my end, I cease to be Christian and become nothing more than a human fanatic. When Christ is the end in view - when He is my goal - then whatever means I take must be worthy of Him and, therefore, will be His means. He will not be a means unless it is a means to Himself, to my perfection and His glory. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Light...but He is a one-way street. Truth cannot tolerate lies; darkness cannot exist in light's presence.

If I focus on following God, I'll never be without Him. He's promised not to leave me, but He's not a WWJD bracelet or a crucifix on a silver chain; He is God. If I focus on other goals -- connecting them to Christ with an "and" (e.g. Christianity and the Republican/Democratic Party, Christianity and the Baptist/Protestant Church, Christianity and the Pro- or Anti-War movement, etc.) -- I'll find I've lost Him somewhere along my way.
Why? Because He's still on His.

Be Unto Your Name

there's a song that's inside of my soul
it's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
so I'll raise my head up high and I'll lift my hands and pray
to be only Yours, only Yours
You know You're my only hope

He's teaching me this lesson, simply because He's making it more costly for me to keep it unlearned than to learn and live it. I have failed this test so many times.

God, help me to listen to You and to obey what You tell me to do. You know exactly what needs to be done. I'm tired of running the show in this; I'm tired of not trusting You to take it in Your hands and do what is best - I've been afraid that You would leave me all alone with my life horribly botched and my heart eternally scarred. I have not trusted You in this area of my life. God, I give You this thing that is so close to my heart: my friends. I lose them when I hold them tight and won't give them up to You. It's only what I release to You that I can keep; it's only what I let You control of that I don't need to stress over.

Take this - my very heart - and let it glorify Your name. Take this - what I have kept from You - and accept it as a sacrifice, entirely Yours, and don't let me take back the reins. Fill every part of my life, help me to see what I am keeping from You, and live in and through me.