reacting

the other day, when you were hurting and didn't know why, i wanted to help so badly. i can't stand it when you're hurting inside and i can't do a single thing about it - it's one of the many reasons i wish i was there with you. i couldn't even hug you, i just had to sit there and try to pull it out of you or make you smile. i tried so hard to get you to say what was going on, but you wouldn't. I started to tell you everything i love about you, to try to make you forget whatever was hurting, but you wouldn't let me finish. i didn't understand what was wrong, didn't understand why you were hiding. your hurting hurt me as well, just because i misunderstood what was going on.

you continued apologizing, kicking yourself, ignoring me (which is a strange thing to say, because you were talking with me the whole time ... but you weren't there. you were hiding inside; almost like a kid throwing the covers over their head and pretending not to be there to get away from something). one thing about me is that after enough pressure, i crack. i was hurting too; watching you hide. you started apologizing for keeping me late, for "holding me back" (which you hadn't done) and telling me to get off. i tried to jokingly tell you no (i couldn't leave when you were feeling low) but you kept pushing me. i was scared. you've just about never kept on telling me to go once i've asked you several times to let me stay, you gracefully let me change the subject and stay a bit later. you didn't this time.
you began apologizing again - this time for something i didn't even understand. i broke.

how can you have held me back??
I got in the way of you getting things done, but somehow you manged cos you can.
you didn't get in the way of anything. i promise.
do you believe me?
I kept you so long when I should have realised, and theres other things. I know you like to talk to you're friends online too.
so that's a no?
ok
& write allot to
you kept me for as long as i wanted to stay, although i actually wanted to stay longer. i got off, got everything done that i needed to get done, and got back on again.
the only people who emailed me were Dad and Rachel. i answered their emails last night.
ok
all my coursework is done
all the preparation for the storm is done
Im not keeping you so long again though. Thats not being fair.
everything that needed to get done is done - so don't feel like you held me back
please
But I do feel that.
i don't care whether you believe you did or not, whether you believe me or not when i tell you. it's true that you did not.
you still managed to get it alll done. thats great
but I have no intention of keeping you on that long again cos I know that you could have done other things too.
do whatever you want to do
good.

i kept watching as you pretended. we didn't turn the cams back on, i didn't have the heart to ask. even if i had i knew all i'd see was acting; and that would hurt more then just what i was watching you say. you went to dinner. you were sarcastic. you realized what was wrong. after you came back you only acted for a little while before my Gar came back. you apologized to your dad and then came back to me. thank you. it's the only time you've ever asked for forgiveness that i've not told you that you did nothing wrong, isn't it?