one odd thing about this journal is that the majority of it is invisible. this is a place that i scarcely ever write, but even so some of the stuff i put here is rather boring or just "personal", so it's not seen by most people. some posts i've deleted because i didn't like them and others i have saved as "drafts" so that i'm the only viewer; mainly because that way everyone else gets to wonder what i've written and be totally unsure (unless, of course, they know my username & password).
the point of this post is to let out nerves and to scare anyone who reads it...
...long live King Arthur...
Oct 20, 2004
Sep 27, 2004
emo junk
what a lovely journal. i type all i want and there's only one person who knows where it is; and he doesn't really read it anyway. i have nothing to fear.
my stupid head is out of control today.
oi. why does caring for so many people hurt so much?? i'm glad it does, because what hurts is that they're hurting; that i'm not there. enough with the emo stuff. God is in control.
my stupid head is out of control today.
oi. why does caring for so many people hurt so much?? i'm glad it does, because what hurts is that they're hurting; that i'm not there. enough with the emo stuff. God is in control.
reacting
the other day, when you were hurting and didn't know why, i wanted to help so badly. i can't stand it when you're hurting inside and i can't do a single thing about it - it's one of the many reasons i wish i was there with you. i couldn't even hug you, i just had to sit there and try to pull it out of you or make you smile. i tried so hard to get you to say what was going on, but you wouldn't. I started to tell you everything i love about you, to try to make you forget whatever was hurting, but you wouldn't let me finish. i didn't understand what was wrong, didn't understand why you were hiding. your hurting hurt me as well, just because i misunderstood what was going on.
you continued apologizing, kicking yourself, ignoring me (which is a strange thing to say, because you were talking with me the whole time ... but you weren't there. you were hiding inside; almost like a kid throwing the covers over their head and pretending not to be there to get away from something). one thing about me is that after enough pressure, i crack. i was hurting too; watching you hide. you started apologizing for keeping me late, for "holding me back" (which you hadn't done) and telling me to get off. i tried to jokingly tell you no (i couldn't leave when you were feeling low) but you kept pushing me. i was scared. you've just about never kept on telling me to go once i've asked you several times to let me stay, you gracefully let me change the subject and stay a bit later. you didn't this time.
you began apologizing again - this time for something i didn't even understand. i broke.
i kept watching as you pretended. we didn't turn the cams back on, i didn't have the heart to ask. even if i had i knew all i'd see was acting; and that would hurt more then just what i was watching you say. you went to dinner. you were sarcastic. you realized what was wrong. after you came back you only acted for a little while before my Gar came back. you apologized to your dad and then came back to me. thank you. it's the only time you've ever asked for forgiveness that i've not told you that you did nothing wrong, isn't it?
you continued apologizing, kicking yourself, ignoring me (which is a strange thing to say, because you were talking with me the whole time ... but you weren't there. you were hiding inside; almost like a kid throwing the covers over their head and pretending not to be there to get away from something). one thing about me is that after enough pressure, i crack. i was hurting too; watching you hide. you started apologizing for keeping me late, for "holding me back" (which you hadn't done) and telling me to get off. i tried to jokingly tell you no (i couldn't leave when you were feeling low) but you kept pushing me. i was scared. you've just about never kept on telling me to go once i've asked you several times to let me stay, you gracefully let me change the subject and stay a bit later. you didn't this time.
you began apologizing again - this time for something i didn't even understand. i broke.
how can you have held me back??
I got in the way of you getting things done, but somehow you manged cos you can.
you didn't get in the way of anything. i promise.
do you believe me?
I kept you so long when I should have realised, and theres other things. I know you like to talk to you're friends online too.
so that's a no?
ok
& write allot to
you kept me for as long as i wanted to stay, although i actually wanted to stay longer. i got off, got everything done that i needed to get done, and got back on again.
the only people who emailed me were Dad and Rachel. i answered their emails last night.
ok
all my coursework is done
all the preparation for the storm is done
Im not keeping you so long again though. Thats not being fair.
everything that needed to get done is done - so don't feel like you held me back
please
But I do feel that.
i don't care whether you believe you did or not, whether you believe me or not when i tell you. it's true that you did not.
you still managed to get it alll done. thats great
but I have no intention of keeping you on that long again cos I know that you could have done other things too.
do whatever you want to do
good.
i kept watching as you pretended. we didn't turn the cams back on, i didn't have the heart to ask. even if i had i knew all i'd see was acting; and that would hurt more then just what i was watching you say. you went to dinner. you were sarcastic. you realized what was wrong. after you came back you only acted for a little while before my Gar came back. you apologized to your dad and then came back to me. thank you. it's the only time you've ever asked for forgiveness that i've not told you that you did nothing wrong, isn't it?
Sep 20, 2004
talking
i talk with a ton of people, not many on a regular basis, but those who i do are interesting.
i've got Brooke, who talks about everything and nothing at the same time. Joe, who i can be surreal with and also be serious when i need to. i've got Billy, who, to be honest, i can't talk to! and then i've got random people who i just hang out with.
most importantly i've got Gareth, who i can talk to about any and everything and be as crazy/serious/sad/happy/fun/boring/weird/normal/me as i am. i love that about him.
what brought that on?? um...i was talking with Joe the other night on rather crazy things and felt random enough to write this. he wants me to get either a Medusa (a piercing in the middle of your upper lip) or a lip ring in my lower lip on the right side. i don't think either of those will be happening though - i'm not the type who does piercings anywhere but my ears........
we talked about a ton of stuff; this girl he seriously likes, him being hungry, his truck, piercings, shows at the Hill, his dad, my friends, and random food things.
it's weird because there are some things i can talk about with him that i don't talk about with many other people - e.g. piercings and relationships. he's allot more open to those then most people, a nice guy, and a good friend.
anyway - mom's scheduling stuff in and so i've got tons to do, on top of which dad wants me to go to work a seminar tomorrow. i shouldn't have said yes. i hardly talk to Gareth as it is and oi do i miss him. i told him the other day that he was making me wish i lived in Ireland and he thought i was kidding. i wasn't. provided that God was in favor of it, there's nothing i wouldn't do to be able to see him again. i really do need my Gar.
alright, Cilla; enough.
i've got Brooke, who talks about everything and nothing at the same time. Joe, who i can be surreal with and also be serious when i need to. i've got Billy, who, to be honest, i can't talk to! and then i've got random people who i just hang out with.
most importantly i've got Gareth, who i can talk to about any and everything and be as crazy/serious/sad/happy/fun/boring/weird/normal/me as i am. i love that about him.
what brought that on?? um...i was talking with Joe the other night on rather crazy things and felt random enough to write this. he wants me to get either a Medusa (a piercing in the middle of your upper lip) or a lip ring in my lower lip on the right side. i don't think either of those will be happening though - i'm not the type who does piercings anywhere but my ears........
we talked about a ton of stuff; this girl he seriously likes, him being hungry, his truck, piercings, shows at the Hill, his dad, my friends, and random food things.
it's weird because there are some things i can talk about with him that i don't talk about with many other people - e.g. piercings and relationships. he's allot more open to those then most people, a nice guy, and a good friend.
anyway - mom's scheduling stuff in and so i've got tons to do, on top of which dad wants me to go to work a seminar tomorrow. i shouldn't have said yes. i hardly talk to Gareth as it is and oi do i miss him. i told him the other day that he was making me wish i lived in Ireland and he thought i was kidding. i wasn't. provided that God was in favor of it, there's nothing i wouldn't do to be able to see him again. i really do need my Gar.
alright, Cilla; enough.
Jul 16, 2004
Cstone
CORNERSTONE!!! good old Joe + Jenny & JP (how come all my friends names start with J in this pic??) chilling out and watching the bands
ok - Cornerstone totally rocked!! yes it was quite a while ago, but there's nothing like about 100 bands vying to get your attention and keep it, grabbing a hotel room at about 1am and waking at 6 (ok so i woke an hour earlier then the rest of them LoL) and chilling out, eating at IHOP or Denny's or something crazy every night & just hanging with GREAT friends. i love doing that & especially hanging with my pals because they're all fantastic.
i really should stick more in the way of pics in this entry........i'll do that ASAP *grinning* .....i just need to figure out how??
OK; HERE GOES!!
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